I guess quite some time has passed since last time I wrote anything. I really wanted to type this post yesterday, you know, because it was Mother's Day, and oh the nostalgia! But, as it seems most do these days, the day ran out before all the items on my list were crossed off.
I just wanted to share some thoughts, mostly so that I will have them to look back on later. I am truly so sentimental that way. Being Judah's mommy is absolutely incredible, to say the least, and by far the most rewarding "job" I've ever had. I am very thankful for my "real job," but it pales in comparison to what I do when I get home. Growing up, I had goals and things in life that I wanted to do...play college basketball, get a degree, have a good job...but my DREAM was to be a wife and mom, always. Fortunately, and thanks to a lot of important people in my life, I was able to do all of those things. And then, through a lot of changes and challenges, I had the opportunity to marry Tim, the love of my life. With that, another unexpected blessing, my sweet boy, Landon. Life was great. And then came Judah. There are still lots of things in life that I look forward to, ball games, sleepovers, birthday parties, raising our boys, watching them grow into adults, growing old with my sweetheart... But, essentially, on the day Judah was born, I was complete. I had everything I ever wanted. I HAVE everything I've ever wanted. And sometimes, most times, there just aren't enough words to give Him thanks enough.
When I was pregnant, I was sincerely worried about sleep and how I would manage...well, and how those around me would also! lol! But, we are over 5 months into this deal, I have yet to sleep through the night, and somehow I still manage to start and finish each day. There is always grace for the place.
So many nights, sleepless ones... I've woken up to his cry, and although exhausted and even frustrated, I can't help but to thank the Lord that he is home with me, safe, healthy, no hospitals, no tubes. We are so fortunate. And what an incredible, genuine empathy I have developed for those precious parents that have experienced this, and yet remain so strong and so faithful. There is always grace for the place.
And even more, no matter how little sleep I've gotten, I can't ever wait to hear him waking up so I can walk into his room and look into his crib and see my baby boy smiling back at me. He smiles just because I'm there. Just me, being me, being there, makes him smile. I will never understand that, but it is always enough to bring me to my knees. His smile. Goodness, his smile..his laugh. Melts my heart. Sometimes, when it's just the two of us, I can't help but cry just because I love him so much. It really is so wild. And other times, I truly wonder if I'll ever make it a lifetime of being a mom, because the emotions are just so strong! All of them. Every happy is happier, every worry is bigger. Some nights, I lie awake and just say thank you. Thank you, Lord. Other nights I fall asleep pleading for Him to send His angels to stand guard over him, over both of our boys, to protect their heads and their hearts, to keep them from harm, and to give Tim and I every single ounce of anything and everything we will ever need to to ensure their happiness, their healthiness, and their knowledge of truth and love over religion.
A few weeks ago, I had the privelege of standing by my friend, Emily, when she was married. While it was so nice to spend some time with girls, get dressed up, put on a pair of heels and feel glamorous for a few hours, the time I was away from Judah, I felt a little lost, a little lonely. He was in his daddy's good hands, and I was not worried for the two of them, as Tim is nothing short of super dad! But, when they were able to meet me and I took my boy in my arms, all was well in the world. It was kind of like, without him, my purpose was questionable, but with him, there is no question. I think that was the first time I realized how much had changed. Changed for the better, of course.
You would think that by adding another person to love, there might would be less to go around, but that couldn't be further from the truth. After having Judah, I find myself loving my husband more, loving Landon more....because of who they are, because of who we are as a family, because Tim is absolutely the best dad in the world to our boys and because Landon amazes me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. by the way he so selflessly cares for and loves Judah, at only 6 years old!! My parents...my in laws....my brothers and sister....my friends........ it's like you see everyone in a whole different light by the way they love your child. As if I couldn't love them any more.
My mom....you know, you think you are close to someone.... but now, at the risk of sounding cheesy, it feels like a big, bold lightening bolts connects our hearts. There is this crazy, unexplainble connection. She has always known things without having to be told, she knows an outcome before it happens, she can read every thought, every facial expression I've ever had, and understand me like no one else. But I guess maybe the difference is that now I can kind of understand her, too. Not to mention, I appreciate her now more than ever, because sometimes, it's just plain hard, and I can't imagine how she ever persisted the way that she did, day in, day out, support, no support, money, no money, to give us the very best life that she could. I have the most selfless mother in the world and I am what I am because of her.
And dad. I get it now... why he woke up all during the night to make sure we were still breathing, why he was constantly looking around and checking, to keep things safe, why he worked long, long hours, and long, long nights, even away from us at times, so he could know without a doubt we were taken care of, why he melted down at every single prom I went to, and that piercing look of pure admiration I still get from time to time, speechless, but saying everything he ever needed to say.
I had my own first melt down recently, going through Judah's clothes, putting them out for a yard sale. I remembered every first mini milestone that took place in each little piece of clothing. It seemed so silly, but so real to me....tears over the gown he wore for his picture in the hospital...the outfit he wore on our first day without daddy when mommy cried all. day. long. ....his first shots....Christmas, Valentine's Day, and the overalls I waited so long to put on him that he outgrew before I noticed....
Day after day I take in those beautiful blue eyes and try my very best to soak up every single moment and hide them away somewhere in my heart and pray to the only one holy that I never, ever, forget a single one.
It has been quite a journey, and I simply cannot wait, not just for "the future," but for what the very next minute of every next day has in store with my son- my sons- and my husband. There is no fairytale that compares to this life, and I might as well have never known happy until now.
