A letter to my Kindergartener

Today is the 13th day of Kindergarten, and my heart still drops a little every time I let you out of the car. I wait so eagerly for that "bye momma, I love you!" that reminds me how much you still are my baby boy. Though, as I watch you walk through those big doors, it's followed so closely by another reminder; you're growing so quickly, that I wonder how many more of those sweet goodbyes I have. I stretch my neck backward, as far as I can, driving away slowly, so I can watch you for as long as possible. I wish so badly I could watch you all day, as you learn the songs you sing for me in the afternoons, and as you stand in line with that big boy tray you've waited so long to hold, or especially to see that little girl "accidentally" kiss you, and hear you say "Do you SEE the teacher RIGHT THERE?" I imagine you talking and laughing with your friends, mostly about snakes, sharks and Nerf guns, and I wonder who all you play with outside and if you ever feel alone.
The week before you started Kindergarten, we shared a special day, just you and me. We went bowling and to McDonald's: your choice! Then we went to your favorite place, the pet store! You held all sorts of animals, and the highlight was that you were able to hold a Burmese Python. Still makes my skin crawl. But, when you say "It's okay mom, you don't have to be scared," I try to suck it up and allow you to stretch me outside of myself, just like you've done for the past 5.5 years. I admire you so much- your BIG personality, courage and wild spirit, the way your mouth speaks simultaneously with your thoughts, the way you feel so deeply, your love of animals and people, how you sit for hours, playing at the bar, with dinosaurs, angry birds, water bottles, legos, books...and anything else in sight, your creativity, your sensitivity to others and their feelings (even though this one keeps me on my toes), and the desire you have to learn everything you can! I fail to put into words just how amazing you are. I love everything about you and I am so proud of who you are. It's no wonder I was both ecstatic to share you with the world and also struggling because, selfishly, I wanted to keep you all to myself. As we left the pet store that day, hand in hand, running through what you were sure was a tsunami lol, I noticed everything a little more and enjoyed it more, too. I tried to soak in just how it felt to run through the rain with my little boy, noticing the way your smile caused mine. I tried to hear your laugh a little more and not rush the moment.
Kindergarten Eve came a few days later and I tried so hard to pull myself together. I wrapped you up on the couch and we prayed together about every little thing. You picked out which "thin" clothes you would wear for your first day. I folded them up and set them on your dresser, coincidentally right in front of all your framed newborn pictures. What a sobering moment, looking back at the new momma I was, holding my newborn, having not a clue how quickly this day would come. Though, also having not a clue just how much joy you would bring your dad and me. We snuggled up in your bed and read "The Night Before Big School" and "The Twelve Days of Kindergarten." Dad came in, and our big sixth grader, Landon, so we all could pray together. You noted feeling a little scared, so we all reassured you. Landon was extra helpful with that. Next, was night time kisses and lovins, and that was that. I hung up your shark back pack, tucked in your lunch money and wiped away a few tears. I wondered how I'd ever make it trying to drop you off at school, and prayed the Lord would help me hold myself together- knowing you would pick up on every little emotion.  .
The next morning you initially asked to stay in your pajamas, though quickly changed your mind as you ran down the hall declaring "It's time to man up!" You were dressed and ready with such ease, more so than ANY other morning lol Of course, I had to take pictures of you and Lan, but after that and breakfast (I made your favorite, cinnamon rolls!), Landon spent the rest of the morning talking with you, letting you know all the fun things you would do and helping you to know what you could expect. You gained more courage with every word he spoke. He does for you, what dad and I never could.
Daddy took Landon to school and then met us at Stagecoach Elementary. We walked down the hall together and approached Mrs. Brewer's class. You stopped just shy of the doorway, "Mom, can we talk about it? (which is how you've always handled it when you just need a minute to process and prepare.)"  "I don't think Kindergarten will be fun," you said. We reassured you it would be a blast and dad cleverly brought up your cubby. You remembered you were #6 and off you went through the door... a little too fast for me, might I add. You confidently walked to your cubby and put your bag away, and went straight to your chair as you announced "I'm not even scared anymore!" I, realizing this was going more quickly than anticipated and that it was nearly time for us to go, choked a little on the lump in my throat, asked for a quick kiss as I widened my eyes in attempt to stop the tears. As dad and I stood up to leave, you exclaimed to your teacher "I know all about it now, because my brother, Landon, told me!" I wrestled with turning around once more because I didn't want you to see the tears, but as I took a quick glimpse, I saw that you weren't even looking our way. It felt both incredible and heartbreaking. There was no hiding the tears anymore. The hall was full of encouraging teachers, doing their best to cheer up the moms like me. Daddy likes to laugh that other moms empathetically noted "Ah it's a Kindergarten mom," as they passed by me. Who has time or head space to care that you look a hot mess in a moment like that?
I was so incredibly thankful, ironically lol, that my car had to go to the shop that day. It was a beautiful distraction, considering Jett and I got to spend the day with Ganny, at her house, unaware of the new silence at ours.
I couldn't wait to pick you up that afternoon. There is no way to describe the joy I had when you jumped in the car with the biggest smile " I had a GREAT time! It was fun alright!" Though I did kind of enjoy "It was so cold at lunch and I wanted you." The rest of the week, your commentary was much the same, "I love Kindergarten!" and "It's great to be here!" I cried after drop off, just a smidge, every day except Friday. I thought I was good until Monday rolled around. It truly has been such an adjustment from having the boys here every day, to just Jett and me. Every season comes with sweet stuff, and sour stuff.
The school only allows you to walk your kids to class for the first week. Seeing as how the first day went so well, I knew it wouldn't be long until you'd want to walk to class all on your own. I thought I might have a few more days, though. So, on the second day I got up and dressed so I could walk you in. Imagine my surprise when you said you wanted to walk in alone. I suggested letting me walk you in today, and you could walk in alone the rest of the week, but you weren't having it. You tried to make a "deal" with me lol, that we could "take turns." Though, I inevitably  encouraged you to go ahead and walk in on your own, since you were ready. How bittersweet. To be so proud of your confidence and independence, and apprehensive at the same time. I was reminded just how hard, yet beautiful, the seasons of change can be. You had to make sure I would "give you lovins" before you got out. I was so thankful, and appreciative that I could still see my baby boy in that moment. I remembered "the kissing hand" you gave me the night before, "Now even if I go to school, momma will be with me!" Yes baby. Always.
My heart's desire is for you to grow and become the man the Lord has created you to be, but if I don't let go, you can't. The letting go has already started and I see glimpses of that man in my little boy, already. I prayed to the Lord, "Help me do my part. When those moments come, when he's asking in his own way, 'Will you let me go, mom? Can I take a step towards my destiny? Am I strong, courageous and independent enough?' Help me to always say 'yes!'"
This Kindergarten journey has already been just that: a journey. An incredible, exciting and fun one, at that. On Friday you came home with a "Warrior of the Week" award, and had also been named the "Star Student!" Not to my surprise, though it does this momma's heart so good to know that other people see in you, what I see in you! You've made many new friends, and recognized some old ones, even your buddy Cameron, from Tball. You absolutely adore your teacher (and I do, too!), which became evident at dinner after your second day of school, when you delegated each one of us a task to help in "making something sweet for Mrs. Brewer." You haven't even asked about your tattered and worn "blankey" that you've carried around for the last five years, even back and forth to Montessori school. You can swing all on your own, by pumping those long legs! You ask nearly every night to practice letters and are SO eager to learn. Also, after only two weeks of school, you know nearly all of the letter sounds, and to my surprise, read the word "zoo!" It is so much fun to watch you learn and grow! I think Kindergarten might be alright with me. As long as I get that "Love you momma" at drop off, and especially if I can keep the girls from "accidentally" kissing you.

Our 1st Summer

This is one of those “mostly for me” posts. Our summer is coming to an end; my first summer as a SAHM. I wanted to capture a typical day, although this one is not truly typical because Landon is gone on vacation with his mom.
We have spent our summer taking walks with Jett in the wagon, and the big boys on various wheels, playing “shark attack” on the swing set and letting Jett swing, visiting the library weekly (to rent movies, not books of course), going to the water park, playing at the park, baking, bowling, watching and rewatching those library movies lol, and most of all, not being at work or school or daycare. We got up when we (Jett) wanted to. We played outside in pajamas and bare feet. We had nowhere to be at any specific time. And I wasn’t out there hustlin’ like a social worker, praying for clients to appear out of nowhere!
The boys had their fair share of arguments, but on those days when they snuck off to get ready together and came out twinning, I knew it would be a good day! Both in “thin” (athletic) clothes, tall black socks (Judah’s are dress socks...), wet hair combed sideways and wearing daddy’s cologne. Bubby and JuJu. Thick as thieves.
Jett has ironed out a fantastic nap schedule and has been a dream! Easy going, even napping at the pool, little guy. He typically naps 9:30-10:45 and 2-4. Both are flexible, depending on when he wakes up in the morning! I’ve been using  the first nap for my own time, and the second I will watch movies with the boys, or read.
Landon unloads the dishwasher and takes out the trash every day, and Judah collects laundry. They both clean up their rooms (sometimes). I do a load of laundry every day, but thanks to recent decluttering and a decent routine, I don’t spend a lot of time cleaning etc.
So today, Jett woke up at 6:30. He’s teething pretty badly, so he was awake twice last night, which meant I wasn’t ready to wake up at 6:30. I brought him in bed with me until 7:30. I got to chat with my sweet sister this morning, which is something else I’m so thankful for since I’ve been home! She and Cantor take walks and we get to chat, or I’ll call her while we’re walking Lol Judah woke up and wanted breakfast. Honey combs. I made his cereal. He pours the milk. I made Jett some oatmeal. He ate 1.5 bowls and a piece of peanut butter toast. He is a bottomless pit! We play in the floor for a while. I move the ottoman and sit at the edge of the rug to corral our mobile baby. Judah insists on making Jett a house out of couch cushions, so we did just that! We went outside to swing and Jett squeals with excitement! Judah wants to be pushed high in the swing and is just learning to jump out. He jumps out and asks “how high was I?” every time, and tries to beat it the next. We come in so Jett can nap. While he’s sleeping Judah and I get ready for the pool and do our chores. Then,  we make some lunch. I carried everything onto the back porch for a “picnic” just in time for Jett to wake up. I carried it all back in, made Jett’s lunch and got him up to eat. He ate for an hour...
It has been a lot cooler this week and the pool was chilly! We played there for over 3 hours. Jett is so good to get a power nap and wake up as happy as ever! I tried my best to capture Judah on video, as he danced everywhere he went. I was skeptical of taking three boys to the pool, alone, but we’ve been doing it weekly all summer, and it really has been great!
Today is Wednesday and Tim goes from work to church, so we’re on our own for dinner. Today we ate leftover lasagna.  On most days,  I will cook dinner while Jett throws crunchies on the floor and runs over them in his walker, and the big boys play outside.
We are pretty consistent about eating dinner at 6, because Jett goes to bed at 7:30. Then we get to snuggle the big boys while we tell them they’re going to bed  and then let them stay up an hour past....  baths get thrown in there somewhere. Tonight, Judah wanted to snuggle in my bed amd “look at different species of snakes” on my phone, folllowed by “funny cat videos,” and finishing it off with a bowl of honeycombs. I wouldn’t trade those time for anything.
I put him to bed, then sobbed myself stupid, reading a letter about kindergarten. He starts in 13 days. I can’t talk about it yet. Right now, we’re soaking up the last of our summer days because too soon he will be in school, Landon will be a 6th grader, amd Jett and mommy will be missing them....
This summer has been all I’ve ever wanted and more. Sometimes I still can’t believe I’m getting to do this, but most of the time it feels so natural that I barely remember not doing it. I feel so grateful to have shared this summer with them! ❤️