The week before you started Kindergarten, we shared a special day, just you and me. We went bowling and to McDonald's: your choice! Then we went to your favorite place, the pet store! You held all sorts of animals, and the highlight was that you were able to hold a Burmese Python. Still makes my skin crawl. But, when you say "It's okay mom, you don't have to be scared," I try to suck it up and allow you to stretch me outside of myself, just like you've done for the past 5.5 years. I admire you so much- your BIG personality, courage and wild spirit, the way your mouth speaks simultaneously with your thoughts, the way you feel so deeply, your love of animals and people, how you sit for hours, playing at the bar, with dinosaurs, angry birds, water bottles, legos, books...and anything else in sight, your creativity, your sensitivity to others and their feelings (even though this one keeps me on my toes), and the desire you have to learn everything you can! I fail to put into words just how amazing you are. I love everything about you and I am so proud of who you are. It's no wonder I was both ecstatic to share you with the world and also struggling because, selfishly, I wanted to keep you all to myself. As we left the pet store that day, hand in hand, running through what you were sure was a tsunami lol, I noticed everything a little more and enjoyed it more, too. I tried to soak in just how it felt to run through the rain with my little boy, noticing the way your smile caused mine. I tried to hear your laugh a little more and not rush the moment.
Kindergarten Eve came a few days later and I tried so hard to pull myself together. I wrapped you up on the couch and we prayed together about every little thing. You picked out which "thin" clothes you would wear for your first day. I folded them up and set them on your dresser, coincidentally right in front of all your framed newborn pictures. What a sobering moment, looking back at the new momma I was, holding my newborn, having not a clue how quickly this day would come. Though, also having not a clue just how much joy you would bring your dad and me. We snuggled up in your bed and read "The Night Before Big School" and "The Twelve Days of Kindergarten." Dad came in, and our big sixth grader, Landon, so we all could pray together. You noted feeling a little scared, so we all reassured you. Landon was extra helpful with that. Next, was night time kisses and lovins, and that was that. I hung up your shark back pack, tucked in your lunch money and wiped away a few tears. I wondered how I'd ever make it trying to drop you off at school, and prayed the Lord would help me hold myself together- knowing you would pick up on every little emotion. .
The next morning you initially asked to stay in your pajamas, though quickly changed your mind as you ran down the hall declaring "It's time to man up!" You were dressed and ready with such ease, more so than ANY other morning lol Of course, I had to take pictures of you and Lan, but after that and breakfast (I made your favorite, cinnamon rolls!), Landon spent the rest of the morning talking with you, letting you know all the fun things you would do and helping you to know what you could expect. You gained more courage with every word he spoke. He does for you, what dad and I never could.
Daddy took Landon to school and then met us at Stagecoach Elementary. We walked down the hall together and approached Mrs. Brewer's class. You stopped just shy of the doorway, "Mom, can we talk about it? (which is how you've always handled it when you just need a minute to process and prepare.)" "I don't think Kindergarten will be fun," you said. We reassured you it would be a blast and dad cleverly brought up your cubby. You remembered you were #6 and off you went through the door... a little too fast for me, might I add. You confidently walked to your cubby and put your bag away, and went straight to your chair as you announced "I'm not even scared anymore!" I, realizing this was going more quickly than anticipated and that it was nearly time for us to go, choked a little on the lump in my throat, asked for a quick kiss as I widened my eyes in attempt to stop the tears. As dad and I stood up to leave, you exclaimed to your teacher "I know all about it now, because my brother, Landon, told me!" I wrestled with turning around once more because I didn't want you to see the tears, but as I took a quick glimpse, I saw that you weren't even looking our way. It felt both incredible and heartbreaking. There was no hiding the tears anymore. The hall was full of encouraging teachers, doing their best to cheer up the moms like me. Daddy likes to laugh that other moms empathetically noted "Ah it's a Kindergarten mom," as they passed by me. Who has time or head space to care that you look a hot mess in a moment like that?
I was so incredibly thankful, ironically lol, that my car had to go to the shop that day. It was a beautiful distraction, considering Jett and I got to spend the day with Ganny, at her house, unaware of the new silence at ours.
I couldn't wait to pick you up that afternoon. There is no way to describe the joy I had when you jumped in the car with the biggest smile " I had a GREAT time! It was fun alright!" Though I did kind of enjoy "It was so cold at lunch and I wanted you." The rest of the week, your commentary was much the same, "I love Kindergarten!" and "It's great to be here!" I cried after drop off, just a smidge, every day except Friday. I thought I was good until Monday rolled around. It truly has been such an adjustment from having the boys here every day, to just Jett and me. Every season comes with sweet stuff, and sour stuff.
The school only allows you to walk your kids to class for the first week. Seeing as how the first day went so well, I knew it wouldn't be long until you'd want to walk to class all on your own. I thought I might have a few more days, though. So, on the second day I got up and dressed so I could walk you in. Imagine my surprise when you said you wanted to walk in alone. I suggested letting me walk you in today, and you could walk in alone the rest of the week, but you weren't having it. You tried to make a "deal" with me lol, that we could "take turns." Though, I inevitably encouraged you to go ahead and walk in on your own, since you were ready. How bittersweet. To be so proud of your confidence and independence, and apprehensive at the same time. I was reminded just how hard, yet beautiful, the seasons of change can be. You had to make sure I would "give you lovins" before you got out. I was so thankful, and appreciative that I could still see my baby boy in that moment. I remembered "the kissing hand" you gave me the night before, "Now even if I go to school, momma will be with me!" Yes baby. Always.
My heart's desire is for you to grow and become the man the Lord has created you to be, but if I don't let go, you can't. The letting go has already started and I see glimpses of that man in my little boy, already. I prayed to the Lord, "Help me do my part. When those moments come, when he's asking in his own way, 'Will you let me go, mom? Can I take a step towards my destiny? Am I strong, courageous and independent enough?' Help me to always say 'yes!'"
This Kindergarten journey has already been just that: a journey. An incredible, exciting and fun one, at that. On Friday you came home with a "Warrior of the Week" award, and had also been named the "Star Student!" Not to my surprise, though it does this momma's heart so good to know that other people see in you, what I see in you! You've made many new friends, and recognized some old ones, even your buddy Cameron, from Tball. You absolutely adore your teacher (and I do, too!), which became evident at dinner after your second day of school, when you delegated each one of us a task to help in "making something sweet for Mrs. Brewer." You haven't even asked about your tattered and worn "blankey" that you've carried around for the last five years, even back and forth to Montessori school. You can swing all on your own, by pumping those long legs! You ask nearly every night to practice letters and are SO eager to learn. Also, after only two weeks of school, you know nearly all of the letter sounds, and to my surprise, read the word "zoo!" It is so much fun to watch you learn and grow! I think Kindergarten might be alright with me. As long as I get that "Love you momma" at drop off, and especially if I can keep the girls from "accidentally" kissing you.
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