Know who you are!

Women, before you can complete someone else in marriage, or truly contribute all that you're capable of, I think it is important to know who you are. I'm not talking about "What's your favorite food? What are your hobbies?" ... I'm talking about, who and what did God create us to be and why did Adam need Eve?
In Genesis 2:18 the Bible says "And the Lord God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a help meet for him." (Side note: Right now I'm wondering who all is going to stop reading because you think I'm going to tell you that your husband's life is the only one that matters and you are just a side gig for whatever he has going on. Spoiler alert. I'm not. Keep reading.)

A few years ago, not long after becoming a "help meet,"myself, I started to get really curious about what that actually meant. I had a tug on my heart that said "there's more." I started digging and found some really interesting things. Actually, it was more than interesting, it changed my heart, and my perspective of my purpose, my worth, and the reason I was created. And, I wrote it down on a piece of paper that I've carried in my purse ever since. and then I tattooed it on my foot.
 The word "help meet" in Hebrew actually translates to "ezer k'enegdo." When you break that down, "ezer" means 1. to rescue/to save and 2. to be strong. It is used 21 times in the Hebrew Bible, eight of those times translating to "savior," and otherwise to "strength," and used most often when describing how God is an ezer [help] to man. "K'enegdo" means "against," as in "in front of, opposite, exactly corresponding to, LIKE WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR." Stop for a second. Picture yourself, looking in a mirror, and seeing your spouse in the reflection.

"...and they shall be ONE flesh."

You are not designed to be your husband's supporting actress. You are designed to be his co-star. You are designed to be his mirror opposite, possessing the other half of the qualities, responsibilities, and attributes that he doesn't have, and he the same for you. Equal and opposite halves, completing one whole.
Genesis 2:18 could read like this: "It is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a companion of strength, who has a saving power and is equal with him."
With so much fuss in society about feminism and such, it becomes increasingly obvious to me that women, in general, have forgotten, or maybe have never even known, who they are, and how incredible and important they are. It boggles my mind to think of all the women, essentially, trying to be men, all in the name of feminism. Why would a rose go out of its way to prove it can look like a tulip, all the while forsaking the beauty that is its own?
We are created differently for a reason, and when we live accordingly, the result is true oneness with our spouse.
We've established that we are equal humans. But, we play different roles. The husband's role is to be the head, and wives, consider yourself the neck. One has to be the "leader," but both are equally as important. That's why Ephesians 5:22-23 says "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto (or as a service to) the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body." It doesn't mean "women, the man is in control of you, you're his servant and he gets to do whatever he wants." It means, someone has to be responsible, someone has to lead, and that someone is him. Just think about how it would work if your neck wasn't submitted to your head. That's not going to work. Should wives contribute and give their opinions? Should husbands listen to and include them? Definitely. But the responsibility ultimately falls to the husband, and even if they get something wrong (they're imperfect, just like us), if the husband is loving (as Christ loved the church Ephesians 5:25) and the wife is submitted, then the Lord has room to work on your behalf. I guess I'm sort of speaking in relation to family decision making, just because that's what came out, but it applies to everything. This isn't where I was intending to go, fully, on this post, so I'll come back to that on a different one.

There's one more mention I'd like to make to women, concerning who you are. We've all cursed admired the infamous Proverbs 31 woman at one point, or another, or five points, or 25. We've wanted to be her, or at least come close. If you're like me, that meant doing all the things.
1. Rises while it is still night. Nope.
2. Plants a vineyard. Notta.
3. Makes her arms strong and firm. ....crickets....
I'm 0/3, and that's not even half of the list. You get my point. If we aren't careful, reading that chapter will make you feel like a total failure, and have you making yourself a HUGE "to -do" list, which inevitably moves us further from grace and into works, or trying to earn God's love and righteousness, when it is already ours. In Proverbs 31:30, when it gives a summary of what makes her value "far above rubies or pearls" it says "but a woman who [reverently and worshipfully] fears the Lord, she shall be praised," which indicates it is her spiritual and practical devotion to God that makes her so valuable. It's her love and adoration for Jesus that permeates every area and relationship in her life, which causes her to do all the things and be all she is to her husband and family. It all comes full circle, beginning with a love for Jesus. Everything we do is unto the Lord. "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for man." - Colossians 3:23 What I'm saying, Martha, is, if you wake up before dawn, plant a vineyard and make your arms strong and firm, all in the name of checking off your list of what makes you righteous, you might as well stay in bed.
Since we're talking about who you are, women, you ARE the Proverbs 31 woman. You ARE far more valuable than rubies and pearls. You ARE strong. You ARE a rescuer. You ARE one with your husband. But, you ARE an individual, with gifts, talents, and dreams, all of your own, given to you by your Creator, for the purpose of loving Him and loving people. Know who you ARE. 

Marriage is hard work.

I have always heard people say "marriage is hard" or "it takes work," something of that nature, and I have said it, myself. Though, now, when I say "marriage is hard," it has somewhat of a different meaning for me than it did early on. Tim and I are approaching our eighth anniversary. It's been a great eight years, though not excused of its own troubles and frustrations. Until recently, it sort of felt like this "mystery" that men and women are so different. You know, you get together with your girlfriends and start talking marriage, life, kids, etc. and it seems to be this ginormous coincidence that all of your husbands do the same sorts of things that irritate you. And men, you think it's so strange that all women are interested in talking about feelings and all the details of your day. But, it's not. It's not a mystery at all. Sure, we all have characteristics that are individual to us, but overall, God designed women from the same mold, and men from a different one. On purpose. He meant for us to be different. But, he meant for us to complete one another, fit together, work together, be a team. I was a ball player for a lot of years and so I think of it in this way: can you imagine being on a team with people who were all running different plays, and no one was communicating what they were doing and why?
I feel like one of the biggest keys to making a marriage work is simply understanding the opposite sex. That's not the only key, but it's a good start.
I feel fortunate, being married to Tim, in that we both are hard headed  share a stubbornness, that from the beginning, has allowed us to truly live and love with an "until death do us part," mentality. But, even that doesn't take you very far, because a lot of people stay in a marriage, but they stay miserable in a marriage. After the vows, and the choice to be in it for the long haul, there's still a lot of work to be done. I can honestly say I've never been miserable in my marriage, but I came to a point several months ago where I started to be discontent with the status quo. I look around and wonder why Christian marriages look the same as unbelievers' marriages, why they all have the same problems and the same cycles, and that bothered me. I wanted and want to live out marriage the way the Lord created it to be. Now before you think I'm getting all self righteous on you, just understand, it wasn't necessarily because I wanted to "do right," but more so because I wanted the best. If you'll notice, God shares designs for everything in life, in the Bible, and His way is always the best way. Even business owners who aren't Christians, but operate with Biblical principals, are more successful than others who don't.
So, I started asking the Lord to help me, show me, how to make what it's great, even better. Here's my advice: don't ask the Lord something, unless you're serious about it. He will show you, and then you are responsible for what you've learned. ("For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more." Luke 12:48)
So, over the last several months I've been doing a lot of reading (Bible and books) and listening [to podcasts], and have found what I believe is God's design for marriage. It's changing my life and the way I see and think about marriage, and relationships all together. and it IS hard work.
 I've started to feel like it's a treasure that people don't even know they need, and so I came here to share. I want to just give an overview of what I've found, in hopes that it may help or enrich someone else's life, too.
First off, I want to say the realization that's had the most impact on me, is recognizing that my marriage is not about me. and it's not even about my spouse. My marriage and how I treat my spouse is unto the Lord. On November 6, 2010, not only did I enter into a covenant with Tim, but I did it before the Lord. I made a vow to Tim, and I made a vow to the Lord. So, no matter what my spouse does or says, how he acts, or how I FEEL, I still have to honor MY vow to the Lord. Are you getting this? because it took me a minute. and then to actually do it, is another whole story, and that is why I said in the beginning that "marriage is hard work," has taken on a new meaning for me. Marriage is hard work = keeping your mouth shut when everything in your mind, will and emotions wants to use your mouth for destruction.
Main idea: your marriage is less about the relationship between you and your spouse, and more about the relationship between you and Jesus. 
So often, in marriage (or relationships, period) we wait for the other person to do what we think they should do or say, before we, ourselves, do what we should, like they have to earn the vow- that we already made- to do the things we promised we would do. The truth is, you have a responsibility, in honoring your covenant, to do them no matter what the other person does. In reality, it's often times that kind of honor, commitment and love that will elicit the response you've been wanting from that person. However, typically, when our spouse does something we don't like, we react disrespectfully or unlvoing, which perpetuates that vicious cycle. So right about now, you might be thinking "why do I have to be the one to "give in?" Because that's what marriage is. Dying to yourself. Literally, putting the other person before yourself.  I heard it explained this way: marriage is a covenant- giving up rights and taking on responsibilities, not a contract- protecting your rights and limiting your responsibilities. 
Jesus made a covenant with us. He died, first. Marriage is a model of Christ and the Church. You do the math.

More on marriage, coming soon...