10 days in the cocoon.

It’s been an interesting week. I say “week” loosely, because it’s actually been a good 10 days. This week I have spent more time with my husband since I don’t know when. I’m sure none of you are, but we are both guilty of getting into our own groove of taking care of our individual responsibilities and not quite taking enough time to focus on one another. Tim took off 3.5 days this week, and for those of you who know his work situation for the past few years, and especially recent months, you know that’s huge. We needed to be together this week. Cue The Script
 “ But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
 Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time.”

I’m thankful for the opportunity to work together this week, and the reminder that no matter who, what, when, where, why, he is my rock. My go to. My best friend. We’re one and the same. And I dare any challenge to step in front of us, when we’re working together. I often say, though a lot of it is not things we’ve shared publicly, several times in our marriage, we’ve walked through fire and not been burned. Not by our own doing, but because of the one we call Savior, and a smidge because he is we’re both stubborn enough to (as he would say) take on hell with a water pistol. THANKFUL.
More than once, the two of us were able to spend one on one time with Landon, which never happens with two smaller babes. Landon is a really. Good. Kid. He is a great big brother, and will try his best to please everyone, sometimes to a fault. He got a GREAT progress report this week, raised two grades in subjects that are tough for him, one by TEN grade points and both by a whole letter grade. The improvements are great, but what’s really great, is that smile on his face and chest sticking out 5 foot, knowing his hard work paid off. He is patient, and understanding, and my gosh, that child is incredibly helpful! THANKFUL.
There’s been a lot of changes in the making around our household, more of which I hope to share soon. One of those changes is that I recently became a stay at home Mom! It’s a dream come true for me (and that’s putting it verrry lightly. I promise to share more on that later.)! And this week, I had no job to report to, no appointments to worry with or paperwork to complete. THANKFUL.
We have the BEST village. It does take one, you know. And it takes both hands and feet for me to count, just off hand, how many people we have around us that I know I could count on at the drop of a hat. To bring groceries. Call to check on you. Watch kids. Ask for advice. Buy you lunch. And more importantly, to pray fervently and care deeply for you. We’ve had all this and more. THANKFUL.
Does anyone else ever need a good reality check? Like, you recognize that you have it pretty good, but every now and then (or daily) you just need a reminder of how good you have it. Like say, you have THREE healthy children. THREE. And you realize that even having a tough spot for a minute, is nothing compared to what some families LIVE WITH. EVERY DAY. And sometimes you just need a reminder that what feels like a broken leg, is really just a stubbed toe. THANKFUL.

Last Thursday, Judah was sent home with a headache and a 101.7 temp. We made a flying trip to the pediatrician (to the only appointment they had, which left me no time for a shower, wearing what I had on to take the kids to school, un brushed teeth, no deodorant and wearing a nursing bra. Just keeping it real.) and he tested negative for everything. Fast forward four days and we are feeling uneasy. At the walk in clinic he tested positive for Flu, type B- and just spent FOUR DAYS in close quarters with us all, including Jett. And would you know, NO ONE else caught it. Tell me He is not a MERCIFUL GOD. Tell me that prayer doesn’t work. Tell me that Psalms 91 is a fluke. It seems that a common theme in our lives lately is seeing His provision in times of uncertainty and trusting Him when it’s HARD. Yes, I get it, it’s just the Flu (my stubbed toe from previous passage), but let it be your child and your household and you might catch yourself losing your mind. And that, I would say, is such a testament to God’s mercy. You think you trust Him. You want to trust Him.
“Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24 
But when things don’t LOOK the way you think they should, it’s easy to tell that mountain to move, yet doubt in your heart that it will.

"Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them.“ Mark 11:23

From Thursday to Sunday, I thought it was hard to split time between Judah and Jett. A 4 month old that requires you, and a sick 5 year old that just wants momma to hold him. Then on Sunday, we had to quarantine Judah to his room, and it has not been easy. Talk about feeling torn- and that’s when you get a glimpse- a very small one- very very small one- into the lives of some parents with ill children. And you pray for them. Like REALLY pray for them. And you repent. For taking things for granted. And I’ve had to do that this week. Not just for that, but also for making judgment calls on other people, thinking you know the situation, and you don’t.
We’ve spent hours lysol-ing, sanitizing, feeling like Mrs. Doubtfire, shedding clothes and bathing in sanitizer, going from Judah’s room to having to be near Jett. We’ve nearly physically fought with thermometers that wouldn’t read consistently. We’ve missed ballgames we didn’t want to miss. Made a trip to the ER after a fever scare. (Made a trip from ER back to Jacksonville in the middle of that, since Jett threw us a wrench and wouldn’t take a bottle.), “thankfully” the wait was 3.5 hours, so I didn’t  miss anything. We had several, some helpful, some confusing, conversations with nurses from the clinic. This was also the week my good sleeping baby started waking up every two hours all night, and teething. Y’all, it’s been a long ten days. BUT. In the big picture, and compared to all the goodness in our lives, it’s nothing. PLUS- my boy has been a TROOPER!! Seriously, his symptoms were minimal, and a lot of times you would’ve never known he was sick. I’m so so grateful for that! And he’s just hated having to watch movies, play games and have snacks delivered to him!
And what I’m REALLY thankful for, is that we’ve learned SO much lately at church, about the power of our words, and the effects of our speech, whether negative or positive. So even though we’ve had our times that we may have been an exhausted, crazy, hot mess, one thing that has kept us sane is knowing we have the opportunity of speaking life and health for Judah, Jett, Landon and our household, and the PROMISE that our words are backed by the blood of Jesus AND that
we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

I know it’s just the flu, and so many people have had to go through it this year, but I wanted to write this post because it feels quite a bit like we’ve been in a cocoon this week. Even though it’s been hard, truthfully, a lot of good has come from it and I thank God that He can use even thre messiest of situations for good. After I had the thought that we were in a cocoon, I looked up the definition,  envelop or surround in a protective or comforting way. 

Seems fitting.

Ordinary, yet extraordinary

For Tim’s and my first anniversary, I made him a scrapbook. In it, I included a page that outlined what a typical day/week looked like for us. It’s already fun to look back at that, because you have a “normal” that obviously changes, but it’s funny to think “when did it change?” Normal then and normal now, are totally different! I.e. then, we went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast a good 3 out of 4 Saturday’s a month lol! Anyway, this post is meant to be similar- a snap shot of sorts, of a fairly typical day at this point in our lives.
Jett woke up at 4:00 this morning to nurse. I will not complain, because he is a great sleeper! Prior to that he slept 8.5 hours, and afterwards he slept 2.5. Go Jett Jett Go! He acted like he wanted to goof up our sleep thing we’ve got going, by waking up several times per hour night, for Mom to re insert the pasi. Sooo, the pasi has to go. Today is day 2, and it has gone fairly smoothly, though naps are tougher than night time.
I woke up to my 6:25 alarm to get the big boys up for school. For Landon, I go in, flip the lights on, fan off, “good morning buddy!” Rub his head and back real quick, “time to get up and get dressed!” I don’t have to re visit him at all. He will dress himself (although sometimes requires a re do in that area lol) and come to the living room ready to rock and roll. For Judah, walk in, leave lights off, gently rub his back or legs, quietly “Good morning Ju. It’s time to wake up buddy.” Judah: “Uugghhh but I don’t like waking up! I’m hungry!” Me: What do you want for breakfast?” J: “I don’t know, maybe some dry cereal and chocolate milk. Can you carry me?” Me: “cover your eyes so I can turn on the light and grab your shoes out of the closet.” This process takes a good 5 minutes. Listen. Slow and steady wins the race in this situation! We came in the living room and he asked if he could snuggle with me “just for a little bit.” And since Jett was still sleeping, I could do just that! I’m so thankful for those times that I can say yes to those requests!
Normally, I would take the boys to school, but Tim had a follow up appointment from the sinus surgery he had a couple of weeks ago, so he took them today. It’s a treat for them when Dad gets to take them. We gave hugs and love, and I wished them a good first day back after the break, (boy did I miss them today after having them home!). By that time Jett was waking up, so I went to get him, nursed him, and we played together, trying out all his new tricks! He likes to blow spit bubbles, and can support his weight on his legs, so that’s a lot of fun! I held the teething ring for him to naw on (he already has two little tooth buds!) because he’s teething like crazy! I think he’s too little for that already, but no one asked me. After 1-2 hours I put him down for a nap, after reading Snuggle Puppy and Barnyard Dance, and swaddling Him. Since we’re Paci-less, I have to sort of juggle him lol to help him go to sleep. I threw some clothes in the dryer and some in the washer, and grabbed a shower.  He woke up after about 40 minutes, which isn’t normal. Teething. I gave him some Tylenol and we nursed again, and then he fell asleep in my arms to finish his nap...which ended up lasting nearly 3 hours. Everything else I planned to get done, didn’t. But I wasn’t budging. Teething is hard work, but it makes for great snuggles. During that time I had a running text convo on the daily family group text lol, and Laney and I covered everything from real life problems to momma hormones to babies and termite contracts.
When my boy finally woke up, he was feeling much better, with his happy, smiling, drool baby self!
I let him play on his playmat- that he LOVES- while I finished those 4 hour old loads of laundry. I got us dressed so we could go get Judah (today is the every other Thursday that Landon goes to his mom’s). I put little guy in his car seat, and headed out. Got two fingers caught in the garage door on the way out. Just another day in the life.
We went to pick up our grocery order at Wal-Mart. Jett hollered while the nice man and I loaded our groceries. Then we went to get Judah. I can always tell when he hasn’t slept at nap time because he’s a cranky grouch  beaming ray of sunshine! I’m usually responsible for “ruining everything” on these days lol and Lord help us if it’s a car line day! I have to give him a while to lose the edge (remember the wake up routine? Lol). When we first left he was NOT helping bring in the “grocies!” But during  the ride, he’d offered to “help bring in some ‘grocies,’ but not a lot, just a little,” and by the time we got home, he’d innovatively decided to use his bike handles as grocery carriers to bring the bags to the house from the car, and helped until the very last bag!
I ran a marathon  put up as many groceries as I could before Jett got hungry (you have to start with the freezer/refrigerator stuff because you’re just not going to get them all put up right away), and while I was feeding him, Judah informed me that I’d forgotten to put up ALL of the groceries. I put Jett down to play and finished the groceries, all the while hoping for a calm moment so that I could get some time with Judah. Jett struggled at his next nap, but finally went to sleep. So, Judah and I played a game  where he high fived my left hand for things he liked and right hand for things he didn’t. It was my sneaky way of getting him to talk about his day. It actually worked! Then we played kitchen (he orders deer ribs for himself and cotton candy for his toy lion), colored in a minion coloring book and did a crossword puzzle.
We came to the kitchen to make dinner: turkey sandwiches for the entree, Doritos for the side.  Granted, most of the time I actually do cook dinner, often in a crock pot.
Tim got home and joined us for dinner.
Afterwards, Landon had a basketball game, Bulls vs Spurs. He played a great game and we won! He made two points, several steals, great defense, several drives, and built some confidence. Love watching that boy play ball! Judah schmoozed Ganny and aunt Velda for some popcorn and Gatorade lol.
 We came home. I got Jett ready for bed, while Dad and Judah watched a bit of Moana. Eventually, I took him to bed, tucked him in, along with all 659 stuffed animals, ate a bowl of cereal, and here I am. Dreading washing my face, but looking forward to my electric blanket that’s been heating up on my bed for 2 hours! Tim is next to me on the couch, snoozing.

Just another day in the life, folks! Ordinary, yet extraordinary. I wouldn’t trade it for ANYthing.  Me and all four of my boys, doing what we do.
I know this may not have been he most entertaining post, but this is one of those “mostly for me” posts.

FIVE.

A few days after we brought home Jett, I was rushing around trying to get him situated so that I could share snuggle time with Judah before he went to bed. That’s something we’ve always done, and it was really important to me that nothing changed for him when Jett was born. I mean, I knew things would change, but I wanted it to only be the addition of good things about being a big brother. I never wanted him to feel left out or less important. Like any parent, I had those odd thoughts and feelings about how things would be when we added another baby. I worried that I wouldn’t be enough to be a good mom to all three, that I couldn’t get everyone where they needed to be when they needed to be there, worried that someone would feel left out, etc. I also wondered how I’d keep up with the house, and for the love of all things, the laundry for FIVE people! And even though I didn’t have an answer for these things, I had given them thought. I was somewhat prepared just by having it on my mind and by talking with others about it.
What I was not prepared for, was the heart break I’d feel when I finally came around that corner to snuggle with the first baby I’d brought home nearly five years ago, only to find him layed out on the couch...already asleep. He looked 6 feet tall stretched out there. I’d missed him. Was this the new normal? And will someone please tell me where my baby went? I swear I felt the weight of a ton of bricks on my chest, and I felt like my heart would break in half. Who’s been hiding this secret from me? Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby was half way grown? I can’t explain how it felt in that instant to realize how big he was, and to recognize that I’d never noticed until then. I think I lost my mind for about two days. My husband thinks I did too.
Even though that was hard, watching him become a big brother has been totally worth it! Just when I think I couldn’t be any more proud of him, I get to watch his high maintenance, sassy, my way or the highway little self, melt into the most caring, selfless, protective, proud new big brother you ever did see. He has totally surprised me. I knew he would be crazy about Jett, but I didn’t know how crazy! When Judah goes to school, Jett gets all the lovin’ and I get instructed to take pictures of him smiling during the day. Every day, and I mean every day, Judah asks “Mom? How’s Jett doing? Is he eating good for me?”
Being a big brother is half of who he is, and being a little brother is the other half! He always has adored Landon, and I know he always will. Those two boys truly have something special. At breakfast this morning, Judah was still talking about how “Bubba whopped that piñata so bad!” at his minion birthday party yesterday. I wondered aloud to Tim how that must’ve looked in Judahs eyes when his big brother swung the bat and busted that thing! They still take baths together. They want to sleep together every night. They play basketball together, legos, and they wrestle all. the. time.  To Judah, no one compares to Landon! He’s his shadow when he’s home, and Lord help us all when he’s gone.
My Judah Bear is one of a kind. There is not another soul out there like his! He is wild and wonderful, and has the biggest personality of anyone, kids and adults, that I’ve ever known! He tells the best stories about hunting, “killing deers and eating their ribs” lol and finding snakes, and “when I was in college,” though “it was just a dream!” He never meets a stranger, and you never have to wonder what he’s thinking because he will always tell you! Judah is my funny guy and we love telling knock knock jokes at dinner! Sometimes they even make sense! When I tuck him in at night, he likes me to do “crazy kisses,” where I gum his cheeks to pieces while he hollers and pretends to try and escape, while saying “Mom, keep doing it!” We read books. He helps me cook dinner, and has to taste everything!
He is such a feeler, and experiences every single emotion in a huge way! He challenges me every single day in good ways, and hard ways too (of course, has nothing to do with us both being so hard headed!) but I would not change a single thing about him! He gives the best hugs and kisses and makes my heart flutter every time he says “Mom. I love you. But sometimes you stink!” Thanks, Febreeze. But, I’ll take it.
When I carried him, I prayed that my body would somehow be enough to help him grow strong and healthy, and that I could be everything he needed me to be. To this day, my prayer is the same, that through God’s infinite grace and mercy, I can be the Mom he needs, to help him be happy and healthy, and to reach his fullest potential, to foster those things in his heart, ordained by the Creator, to be who and what He is meant to be.
Over the past year, I’ve kept a note in my phone of things he’s done and said that I never want to forget! There’s nothing like having a second baby to make you realize how easily and quickly those unforgettables, get forgotten. So, today, while I’m celebrating my sweet boy turning FIVE Years old, I hope you guys can enjoy some of these unforgettables with me!!

1/22 Judah: "can you pick a boy?" "I don't get to pick! Jesus picks!" "Hey Jesus! Can you pick a boy?" 

"I don't want to go to school because he's gonna' miss me!" 

1/27 my baby can sleep with me and snuggle!

2/7/17 Judah (after a bad storm) "that was the angels going bowling and playing angry birds!" 

"Mom, I love you! I'm so glad you're my baby!" 

2/26 When it was raining earlier Judah said the angels were crying because Jesus went to Larry's pizza and they missed him

3/25 "I love your kisses the best, momma!" 

4/12/17 night prayer: "Jesus name, help the angry birds get the pigs. Father, we love you and we love gettin' those pigs. Jesus name, amen." 

4/13 after his ballgame to one of his teammates "holler if you need anything!"

5/6 after going to babies r us ... "mom, after we wake up can we go to the baby store? It was awesome!" 

5/11 "momma, I love you! But sometimes you stink!" 

5/12 after a T-ball game "we couldn't have done it without you mom!" 

6/8 "I like you mom! You're the best mom I ever seen!" 

6/15 Judah felt Jett move! He also had a dream last night that Landon was holding Jett and then gave him to him to hold. 

7/31 Judah in the morning. "I'm checking to see if my pee pee is big, because if it goes way over here, it's humongous!" 

8/17 Judah brought me a flower. I said thank you so much!! He said you're welcome princess peach! 

9/9/17 Judah: "I think there's some people in my booty shooting a firework! That's why I pooted!" 

9/13/17 Judah: First, we get my hair cut! Then, we save the world! Deal? And then, we get bubby, second!" 

9/14/17 our conversation this morning.

Judah: mom, why do people kiss?

Me: just to show someone they love them!

Judah: well, I wanna kiss Jaycee!

Me: aww! You love jaycee? 

Judah: yeah! 

Me: well at least she's a sweet girl! 

Landon: and she's sassy!

Judah: oh yeah! 

9/18/17 "you know what the best part about you, mom? Is that you're pretty!"

9/24/17 Judah- mom you don't smell like poop. You smell like a flower!

10/2/17 Judah put a ring on my finger "this is true love, is for you momma!" 

10/17/17 Judah at Landon’s parent teacher conference “that’s Jett Jett, sometimes he eats milk out of my mom’s boobies!” 

11/2/17  

Judah what do you want for Christmas? 

A girl dog, a kitty cat, a frog, Pine cones and my own house, food with a kitchen, and I want a mario race track with mario in it and I want a mario playset and I want a mario City world and I want bowser with Luigi and Yoshi and I want my own dishes and that’s all I want for Christmas! And I want another Batman car and the Robin car is the one I want, and a new bicycle and another shark. And that’s about all I want. Can you write that on my list? And I want some marshmallows, some real ones from Santa clause and I want my own Christmas tree in my room.

11/17 “I love you Mom! The best part I like about staying with you, is being with you!” 

11/22 “you look beautiful Mom! Have a good date!” (Before going on a date with Tim) 

12/2 going to look for Christmas decorations for his tree

Me: “let’s try the dollar general first, because they might have more Christmas stuff than the Family Dollar”

Judah “well dang bro! Let’s do it!” 

While in DG, he got some flowers and said “I was trying to marry you, Mom” 

12/9 “Jett can have this (his lion king lovey that landon picked out for him before he was born). Because I’m a big brother now and this is a little brother thing. So he can have it. It’s his now.” 

And my most favorite of all, on 12/3, Jett hadn’t slept much that day, he was sort of unsettled, like maybe his stomach hurt. He was laying on the boppy, fussing, and having a hard time going to sleep. Judah came over and prayed for him “...let Jett’s belly not hurt. In Jesus’ name.” and he went to sleep instantly, and slept so well for 1-2 hours. When we pointed out to Judah that Jett settled and slept after he prayed for him, he said Jesus told him to pray for Jett. 

Jeremiah 1:5 says “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.” We have known for quite some time that the Lord has a great adventure and plan for our little guy, but it sure is fun watching it play out! We are just thankful we get to go along for the ride! 
There’s no amount of words (even though I’ve sure given it a run on this post lol) that could say how much joy Judah has given his dad and me, or how much we love our boy! He will FOREVER be my Judah Bear!

We named him “Judah” for a reason, and we will ALWAYS “give praise for the one who is like God.”

Seek ye first

25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink;  what to put on the weekly menu, grocery shopping, my kids eating drive through again and having too much sugar... nor about your body...gotta do something about this baby weight, who has time for the gym, what you will put on, the laundry is piled up again, One more dry cycle while I finish cleaning up...Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ Or what if dinner isn’t gourmet and the clothes don’t get folded? And the floor isn’t swept? And I wore yoga pants again today. 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But SEEK FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. 

About a year ago, I was struggling with these things. Not like the every day struggle, but STRUG-GL-ING! All the “stuff,” the “to do” lists, chores etc were soooo heavy. It was a Saturday, and I was sweeping my kitchen. I was mad. Really mad. Tim was outside doing yard work, and we’d planned for some friends to come over that night, which is something we both wanted, planned for and enjoy! However, I found myself so irritated that I was having to clean... it made me so grouchy with my husband, my kids, and I realized that all of these things I was doing, that I thought made me a good wife and Mom were making me a BAD wife and Mom! But it’s not like you can just stop. I mean, things have to be done so that you can function- clean clothes, food to eat... 

When I layed down that night, I sobbed. I told the Lord I was tired. I asked Him to forgive me, because my heart and soul is my family, but I was letting them down. I told Him I didn’t have the answer, but I knew this wasn’t how it’s supposed to be, and that I needed help. I began asking Him to help me see what was important and what wasn’t (as a mom, you know it can truly be difficult to decipher what’s necessary and what isn’t because it all feels like necessities!). One of the first things he showed me was the Christmas card- yes, I know it sounds silly, but it wasn’t necessary. No, Christmas cards aren’t bad, and it was soemthing I WANTED to do, but it wasn’t a necessity, so I let it go. And it bothered me, that after 6 years it would be our first without a Christmas card. But as I began to listen and He directed me, and from that day on, the load was lighter. He told me He was going to take it from me, and He did. Somehow, things still got done, but it wasn’t heavy like it had been. And even a year later, though I still need reminders, I said I never wanted to go back to “that” place, and by His Grace, I haven’t. There wasn’t anything I had to do, except be vulnerable to Him about where I was, and be willing to let go so He could be in control again. As long as I’m busy about trying to do it on my own, His hands are tied. To me, this is what it means to “give it to God.” I used to be really bothered by that statement, because it seemed so vague and like “how exactly does one go about that?” But I believe it all comes down to making a choice in your heart, to acknowledge you need Him and are willing to obey.

I wrote these notes down several Sundays ago. When life becomes a pressure and not a pleasure, you've stepped out of grace. 

THERE IS NOTHING YOU DO, except ALLOW IT!!! 

You need to be still. If you're busy trying to do it on your own, then what you get is your own result. You have to rest and let Him work on your behalf.

In he past few days, the Lord has been dealing with my heart about “seeking first the kingdom of God,” and when I went to look at that verse, I read the whole chapter, which lead me back here and reminded me of this moment that truly changed me. 

And so now, being in a different place, with different concerns, worries, etc He’s nudgjng me, and maybe some of you, to seek Him, chase Him, and the other things will fall in line.
And this year, we get to do a Christmas card again. :)

Gas station, Crock pot, mall Santa, movie theatre: what dreams are made of!

Jett clocked out on me early tonight, so I really should try to get a head start on sleep, but I couldn’t close my eyes without documenting this day, first.
No lunch boxes to pack, no alarm clocks to set (though, I did have to wrangle three sleeping boys, one in a gown, two in elf pajamas, to the gas station at 7:15 to rescue my hubs with a dead battery in his truck...more on that later), and no schools to go to... we’re on Thanksgiving break! I haven’t been able to say that in seven years! I couldn’t be more thankful for the timing of this maternity leave. I am  blessed with a flexible job, still every time a school break rolls around, I wish more than anything that I could forego making [last minute- because that’s how I roll] childcare arrangements and be home with my kiddos! This week, I get to do that. Yesterday was for staying home and housework, tomorrow is for cooking and dating my husband. Today was for unhealthy eating, movies and Santa. Judah has been asking me for a week to make “gravy,” which could only mean one thing in our house- chocolate gravy. So, after we rescued Dad from the gas station, we had chocolate gravy, on a Tuesday morning! And even more than the gravy, the boys were just excited to see Dad! Dad and gravy. Two great things we normally don’t see in the mornings.
I put some beef stew in the crock pot for dinner. Then I scrolled through Facebook while I nursed the baby. There were a lot of stories of people who needed prayers: loved ones lost, uncertainties, and a baby who was getting a new heart. I stopped the boys for a minute and we prayed for this family, as well as the family who donated the heart. Not only do I believe their prayers were powerful, but they were also a blessing to me. Landon prayed “God we know this heart is a good one, and this little boy will grow up to be a great boy and a great man!” And Judah, “Jesus, let that boy get a new heart. In Jesus name.” Thankful. The Lord heard those prayers. Another thing I, unfortunately, don’t normally do on a regular ol’ Tuesday- take time to pray with my kids and teach them to bless someone else.
I ordered the boys super cute Christmas outfits, which didn’t come in before I scheduled the Santa visit (PSA: You can go online to reserve a time slot with Santa at McCain mall and skip the line! Do it. It’s great!), but they were so handsome anyway!! We ate lunch at Chick fil a, then Mimi joined us to go see Santa! Confession: I prayed about how this would go. “Lord, I know it’s silly. It’s Santa. But please, please, let this thing go well.” It did. My boys were adorable. Jett didn’t cry. He didn’t do much of anything haha! Judah didn’t strike any crazy poses or call Santa a poot nanny. And Landon, even though he’s too cool for Santa, sat there and smiled, and didn’t even complain that I made him wear jeans. We got a perfect Santa picture.
We made it on time to the movie. And Jett slept nearly the whole time, never made much of a peep. We watched “The Star” and it did not disappoint.
Sometimes, a lot of times, things don’t go as planned, but sometimes they do. And today was one of those days (save the truck battery lol).
Being a mom to 3 isn’t near as chaotic as I thought it would be. However, Jett is the easiest, most content baby. I guess he didn’t have much of a choice, but to fall in line! Plus, Landon is such a big help! I was just saying today how much I appreciate him, and that it’s actually easier to have all 3, than just the two little boys, because Landon helps me so much, and is glad to do it! Don’t get me wrong, there are times when it’s rough- but more than that, it’s just good! Being Mom/wanny to these three boys fills my heart to overflowing.
Saving my husband from the gas station. Making chocolate gravy. Filling the crock pot. Praying with my kids. Chick fil a. Santa. Mimi. Movie theatre.
There’s nowhere else I would’ve rather been today.

Resurrecting the blog

It has been nearly 5 years since my last post! Isn’t that craaazy? I️ guess I sort of got busy with a baby...then a toddler....and before I️ knew it, I had a little boy... annnd now a baby again! 😂 A few weeks ago Mom and Dad cleaned out some closets and the shop and found all kinds of stuff! A lot of it was my junk treasures. One thing Mom found was an old journal entry from when she and Dad were first dating. I️ got to read it and it stuck in my heart and mind for weeksI️ was so glad I️ had the chance to see that glimpse of my 18 year old Mom and identify with that part of her heart.  I️  was so thankful to her teenage self, that she took the time to write it down.  Then, just a few days later time hop showed me one of my entries from just before Judah was born, and it was amazing to compare where I was then to where I am now. It’s not that I have forgotten, in general, but the specifics, you forget.  And being a new Mom  again, I have been fortunate enough to spend the last eight weeks at home with my baby boy. Not a lot of huge monumental events have taken place, that I️ think would  stand the test of time in my memory, but at the same time there is so much going on.  So much that I don’t want to forget.  We’ve expanded our family from 4 to 5, and I’m watching Judah become a big brother, watching Landon, even more so, settle into his oldest brother role. I’m seeing them holding and loving  Jett,  saying sweet things to him, seeing them be even more independent...During most of the day, I am holding or nursing him, doing laundry, putting dinner on, all sorts of things around the house that seem mundane. But in 30 years when my kids are looking back at something that I’ve written, or I’m having the chance to look back at something written, I want them to see, and me to remember, who I am right now. I️ want them to know this 31 year old wife, and Mom to 3 boys. I️ want them to know I️ tried so hard to be the best I️ could be for them, that even though mornings are hard and they see the worst of me, that I️ always had the best of them in mind. I️ want them to know that I️ thought of them in even the smallest things, when I️ pull candy wrappers and rocks out of their pockets to do laundry, or think of their favorite snacks when I️ make the grocery list (to order online now, of course ha!). I️ want Jett to know how much I’m treasuring this priceless time with him,  and even to know that he was sleeping under my arm as I️ type this, in the little elephant gown I️ bought him to wear home from the hospital (because it actually fits him now!), with his arm in front of his face like he always does. The little things. I️ want to remember the little things. Because they mean the most, and time is fleeting.
So, with those things in mind, and also being able to appreciate that past posts let me see how far we’ve come, and how faithful the Lord has been,  it was on my heart to start writing in this blog again, so here I️ am. Me, and all my boys!

On being Judah's mommy...

I guess quite some time has passed since last time I wrote anything. I really wanted to type this post yesterday, you know, because it was Mother's Day, and oh the nostalgia! But, as it seems most do these days, the day ran out before all the items on my list were crossed off.
I just wanted to share some thoughts, mostly so that I will have them to look back on later. I am truly so sentimental that way. Being Judah's mommy is absolutely incredible, to say the least, and by far the most rewarding "job" I've ever had. I am very thankful for my "real job," but it pales in comparison to what I do when I get home. Growing up, I had goals and things in life that I wanted to do...play college basketball, get a degree, have a good job...but my DREAM was to be a wife and mom, always. Fortunately, and thanks to a lot of important people in my life, I was able to do all of those things. And then, through a lot of changes and challenges, I had the opportunity to marry Tim, the love of my life. With that, another unexpected blessing, my sweet boy, Landon. Life was great. And then came Judah. There are still lots of things in life that I look forward to, ball games, sleepovers, birthday parties, raising our boys, watching them grow into adults, growing old with my sweetheart...  But, essentially, on the day Judah was born, I was complete. I had everything I ever wanted. I HAVE everything I've ever wanted. And sometimes, most times, there just aren't enough words to give Him thanks enough.
When I was pregnant, I was sincerely worried about sleep and how I would manage...well, and how those around me would also! lol! But, we are over 5 months into this deal, I have yet to sleep through the night, and somehow I still manage to start and finish each day. There is always grace for the place.
So many nights, sleepless ones... I've woken up to his cry, and although exhausted and even frustrated, I can't help but to thank the Lord that he is home with me, safe, healthy, no hospitals, no tubes. We are so fortunate. And what an incredible, genuine empathy I have developed for those precious parents that have experienced this, and yet remain so strong and so faithful. There is always grace for the place.
And even more, no matter how little sleep I've gotten, I can't ever wait to hear him waking up so I can walk into his room and look into his crib and see my baby boy smiling back at me. He smiles just because I'm there. Just me, being me, being there, makes him smile. I will never understand that, but it is always enough to bring me to my knees. His smile. Goodness, his smile..his laugh. Melts my heart. Sometimes, when it's just the two of us, I can't help but cry just because I love him so much. It really is so wild. And other times, I truly wonder if I'll ever make it a lifetime of being a mom, because the emotions are just so strong! All of them. Every happy is happier, every worry is bigger. Some nights, I lie awake and just say thank you. Thank you, Lord. Other nights I fall asleep pleading for Him to send His angels to stand guard over him, over both of our boys, to protect their heads and their hearts, to keep them from harm, and to give Tim and I every single ounce of anything and everything we will ever need to to ensure their happiness, their healthiness, and their knowledge of truth and love over religion.
A few weeks ago, I had the privelege of standing by my friend, Emily, when she was married. While it was so nice to spend some time with girls, get dressed up, put on a pair of heels and feel glamorous for a few hours, the time I was away from Judah, I felt a little lost, a little lonely. He was in his daddy's good hands, and I was not worried for the two of them, as Tim is nothing short of super dad! But, when they were able to meet me and I took my boy in my arms, all was well in the world. It was kind of like, without him, my purpose was questionable, but with him, there is no question. I think that was the first time I realized how much had changed. Changed for the better, of course.
You would think that by adding another person to love, there might would be less to go around, but that couldn't be further from the truth. After having Judah, I find myself loving my husband more, loving Landon more....because of who they are, because of who we are as a family, because Tim is absolutely the best dad in the world to our boys and because Landon amazes me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. by the way he so selflessly cares for and loves Judah, at only 6 years old!! My parents...my in laws....my brothers and sister....my friends........ it's like you see everyone in a whole different light by the way they love your child. As if I couldn't love them any more.
My mom....you know, you think you are close to someone.... but now, at the risk of sounding cheesy, it feels like a big, bold lightening bolts connects our hearts. There is this crazy, unexplainble connection. She has always known things without having to be told, she knows an outcome before it happens, she can read every thought, every facial expression I've ever had, and understand me like no one else. But I guess maybe the difference is that now I can kind of understand her, too. Not to mention, I appreciate her now more than ever, because sometimes, it's just plain hard, and I can't imagine how she ever persisted the way that she did, day in, day out, support, no support, money, no money, to give us the very best life that she could. I have the most selfless mother in the world and I am what I am because of her.
And dad. I get it now... why he woke up all during the night to make sure we were still breathing, why he was constantly looking around and checking, to keep things safe, why he worked long, long hours, and long, long nights, even away from us at times, so he could know without a doubt we were taken care of, why he melted down at every single prom I went to, and that piercing look of  pure admiration I still get from time to time, speechless, but saying everything he ever needed to say.
I had my own first melt down recently, going through Judah's clothes, putting them out for a yard sale. I remembered every first mini milestone that took place in each little piece of clothing. It seemed so silly, but so real to me....tears over the gown he wore for his picture in the hospital...the outfit he wore on our first day without daddy when mommy cried all. day. long. ....his first shots....Christmas, Valentine's Day, and the overalls I waited so long to put on him that he outgrew before I noticed....
Day after day I take in those beautiful blue eyes and try my very best to soak up every single moment and hide them away somewhere in my heart and pray to the only one holy that I never, ever, forget a single one.
It has been quite a journey, and I simply cannot wait, not just for "the future," but for what the very next minute of every next day has in store with my son- my sons- and my husband. There is no fairytale that compares to this life, and I might as well have never known happy until now.