Seek ye first

25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink;  what to put on the weekly menu, grocery shopping, my kids eating drive through again and having too much sugar... nor about your body...gotta do something about this baby weight, who has time for the gym, what you will put on, the laundry is piled up again, One more dry cycle while I finish cleaning up...Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ Or what if dinner isn’t gourmet and the clothes don’t get folded? And the floor isn’t swept? And I wore yoga pants again today. 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But SEEK FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. 

About a year ago, I was struggling with these things. Not like the every day struggle, but STRUG-GL-ING! All the “stuff,” the “to do” lists, chores etc were soooo heavy. It was a Saturday, and I was sweeping my kitchen. I was mad. Really mad. Tim was outside doing yard work, and we’d planned for some friends to come over that night, which is something we both wanted, planned for and enjoy! However, I found myself so irritated that I was having to clean... it made me so grouchy with my husband, my kids, and I realized that all of these things I was doing, that I thought made me a good wife and Mom were making me a BAD wife and Mom! But it’s not like you can just stop. I mean, things have to be done so that you can function- clean clothes, food to eat... 

When I layed down that night, I sobbed. I told the Lord I was tired. I asked Him to forgive me, because my heart and soul is my family, but I was letting them down. I told Him I didn’t have the answer, but I knew this wasn’t how it’s supposed to be, and that I needed help. I began asking Him to help me see what was important and what wasn’t (as a mom, you know it can truly be difficult to decipher what’s necessary and what isn’t because it all feels like necessities!). One of the first things he showed me was the Christmas card- yes, I know it sounds silly, but it wasn’t necessary. No, Christmas cards aren’t bad, and it was soemthing I WANTED to do, but it wasn’t a necessity, so I let it go. And it bothered me, that after 6 years it would be our first without a Christmas card. But as I began to listen and He directed me, and from that day on, the load was lighter. He told me He was going to take it from me, and He did. Somehow, things still got done, but it wasn’t heavy like it had been. And even a year later, though I still need reminders, I said I never wanted to go back to “that” place, and by His Grace, I haven’t. There wasn’t anything I had to do, except be vulnerable to Him about where I was, and be willing to let go so He could be in control again. As long as I’m busy about trying to do it on my own, His hands are tied. To me, this is what it means to “give it to God.” I used to be really bothered by that statement, because it seemed so vague and like “how exactly does one go about that?” But I believe it all comes down to making a choice in your heart, to acknowledge you need Him and are willing to obey.

I wrote these notes down several Sundays ago. When life becomes a pressure and not a pleasure, you've stepped out of grace. 

THERE IS NOTHING YOU DO, except ALLOW IT!!! 

You need to be still. If you're busy trying to do it on your own, then what you get is your own result. You have to rest and let Him work on your behalf.

In he past few days, the Lord has been dealing with my heart about “seeking first the kingdom of God,” and when I went to look at that verse, I read the whole chapter, which lead me back here and reminded me of this moment that truly changed me. 

And so now, being in a different place, with different concerns, worries, etc He’s nudgjng me, and maybe some of you, to seek Him, chase Him, and the other things will fall in line.
And this year, we get to do a Christmas card again. :)

Gas station, Crock pot, mall Santa, movie theatre: what dreams are made of!

Jett clocked out on me early tonight, so I really should try to get a head start on sleep, but I couldn’t close my eyes without documenting this day, first.
No lunch boxes to pack, no alarm clocks to set (though, I did have to wrangle three sleeping boys, one in a gown, two in elf pajamas, to the gas station at 7:15 to rescue my hubs with a dead battery in his truck...more on that later), and no schools to go to... we’re on Thanksgiving break! I haven’t been able to say that in seven years! I couldn’t be more thankful for the timing of this maternity leave. I am  blessed with a flexible job, still every time a school break rolls around, I wish more than anything that I could forego making [last minute- because that’s how I roll] childcare arrangements and be home with my kiddos! This week, I get to do that. Yesterday was for staying home and housework, tomorrow is for cooking and dating my husband. Today was for unhealthy eating, movies and Santa. Judah has been asking me for a week to make “gravy,” which could only mean one thing in our house- chocolate gravy. So, after we rescued Dad from the gas station, we had chocolate gravy, on a Tuesday morning! And even more than the gravy, the boys were just excited to see Dad! Dad and gravy. Two great things we normally don’t see in the mornings.
I put some beef stew in the crock pot for dinner. Then I scrolled through Facebook while I nursed the baby. There were a lot of stories of people who needed prayers: loved ones lost, uncertainties, and a baby who was getting a new heart. I stopped the boys for a minute and we prayed for this family, as well as the family who donated the heart. Not only do I believe their prayers were powerful, but they were also a blessing to me. Landon prayed “God we know this heart is a good one, and this little boy will grow up to be a great boy and a great man!” And Judah, “Jesus, let that boy get a new heart. In Jesus name.” Thankful. The Lord heard those prayers. Another thing I, unfortunately, don’t normally do on a regular ol’ Tuesday- take time to pray with my kids and teach them to bless someone else.
I ordered the boys super cute Christmas outfits, which didn’t come in before I scheduled the Santa visit (PSA: You can go online to reserve a time slot with Santa at McCain mall and skip the line! Do it. It’s great!), but they were so handsome anyway!! We ate lunch at Chick fil a, then Mimi joined us to go see Santa! Confession: I prayed about how this would go. “Lord, I know it’s silly. It’s Santa. But please, please, let this thing go well.” It did. My boys were adorable. Jett didn’t cry. He didn’t do much of anything haha! Judah didn’t strike any crazy poses or call Santa a poot nanny. And Landon, even though he’s too cool for Santa, sat there and smiled, and didn’t even complain that I made him wear jeans. We got a perfect Santa picture.
We made it on time to the movie. And Jett slept nearly the whole time, never made much of a peep. We watched “The Star” and it did not disappoint.
Sometimes, a lot of times, things don’t go as planned, but sometimes they do. And today was one of those days (save the truck battery lol).
Being a mom to 3 isn’t near as chaotic as I thought it would be. However, Jett is the easiest, most content baby. I guess he didn’t have much of a choice, but to fall in line! Plus, Landon is such a big help! I was just saying today how much I appreciate him, and that it’s actually easier to have all 3, than just the two little boys, because Landon helps me so much, and is glad to do it! Don’t get me wrong, there are times when it’s rough- but more than that, it’s just good! Being Mom/wanny to these three boys fills my heart to overflowing.
Saving my husband from the gas station. Making chocolate gravy. Filling the crock pot. Praying with my kids. Chick fil a. Santa. Mimi. Movie theatre.
There’s nowhere else I would’ve rather been today.

Resurrecting the blog

It has been nearly 5 years since my last post! Isn’t that craaazy? I️ guess I sort of got busy with a baby...then a toddler....and before I️ knew it, I had a little boy... annnd now a baby again! 😂 A few weeks ago Mom and Dad cleaned out some closets and the shop and found all kinds of stuff! A lot of it was my junk treasures. One thing Mom found was an old journal entry from when she and Dad were first dating. I️ got to read it and it stuck in my heart and mind for weeksI️ was so glad I️ had the chance to see that glimpse of my 18 year old Mom and identify with that part of her heart.  I️  was so thankful to her teenage self, that she took the time to write it down.  Then, just a few days later time hop showed me one of my entries from just before Judah was born, and it was amazing to compare where I was then to where I am now. It’s not that I have forgotten, in general, but the specifics, you forget.  And being a new Mom  again, I have been fortunate enough to spend the last eight weeks at home with my baby boy. Not a lot of huge monumental events have taken place, that I️ think would  stand the test of time in my memory, but at the same time there is so much going on.  So much that I don’t want to forget.  We’ve expanded our family from 4 to 5, and I’m watching Judah become a big brother, watching Landon, even more so, settle into his oldest brother role. I’m seeing them holding and loving  Jett,  saying sweet things to him, seeing them be even more independent...During most of the day, I am holding or nursing him, doing laundry, putting dinner on, all sorts of things around the house that seem mundane. But in 30 years when my kids are looking back at something that I’ve written, or I’m having the chance to look back at something written, I want them to see, and me to remember, who I am right now. I️ want them to know this 31 year old wife, and Mom to 3 boys. I️ want them to know I️ tried so hard to be the best I️ could be for them, that even though mornings are hard and they see the worst of me, that I️ always had the best of them in mind. I️ want them to know that I️ thought of them in even the smallest things, when I️ pull candy wrappers and rocks out of their pockets to do laundry, or think of their favorite snacks when I️ make the grocery list (to order online now, of course ha!). I️ want Jett to know how much I’m treasuring this priceless time with him,  and even to know that he was sleeping under my arm as I️ type this, in the little elephant gown I️ bought him to wear home from the hospital (because it actually fits him now!), with his arm in front of his face like he always does. The little things. I️ want to remember the little things. Because they mean the most, and time is fleeting.
So, with those things in mind, and also being able to appreciate that past posts let me see how far we’ve come, and how faithful the Lord has been,  it was on my heart to start writing in this blog again, so here I️ am. Me, and all my boys!

On being Judah's mommy...

I guess quite some time has passed since last time I wrote anything. I really wanted to type this post yesterday, you know, because it was Mother's Day, and oh the nostalgia! But, as it seems most do these days, the day ran out before all the items on my list were crossed off.
I just wanted to share some thoughts, mostly so that I will have them to look back on later. I am truly so sentimental that way. Being Judah's mommy is absolutely incredible, to say the least, and by far the most rewarding "job" I've ever had. I am very thankful for my "real job," but it pales in comparison to what I do when I get home. Growing up, I had goals and things in life that I wanted to do...play college basketball, get a degree, have a good job...but my DREAM was to be a wife and mom, always. Fortunately, and thanks to a lot of important people in my life, I was able to do all of those things. And then, through a lot of changes and challenges, I had the opportunity to marry Tim, the love of my life. With that, another unexpected blessing, my sweet boy, Landon. Life was great. And then came Judah. There are still lots of things in life that I look forward to, ball games, sleepovers, birthday parties, raising our boys, watching them grow into adults, growing old with my sweetheart...  But, essentially, on the day Judah was born, I was complete. I had everything I ever wanted. I HAVE everything I've ever wanted. And sometimes, most times, there just aren't enough words to give Him thanks enough.
When I was pregnant, I was sincerely worried about sleep and how I would manage...well, and how those around me would also! lol! But, we are over 5 months into this deal, I have yet to sleep through the night, and somehow I still manage to start and finish each day. There is always grace for the place.
So many nights, sleepless ones... I've woken up to his cry, and although exhausted and even frustrated, I can't help but to thank the Lord that he is home with me, safe, healthy, no hospitals, no tubes. We are so fortunate. And what an incredible, genuine empathy I have developed for those precious parents that have experienced this, and yet remain so strong and so faithful. There is always grace for the place.
And even more, no matter how little sleep I've gotten, I can't ever wait to hear him waking up so I can walk into his room and look into his crib and see my baby boy smiling back at me. He smiles just because I'm there. Just me, being me, being there, makes him smile. I will never understand that, but it is always enough to bring me to my knees. His smile. Goodness, his smile..his laugh. Melts my heart. Sometimes, when it's just the two of us, I can't help but cry just because I love him so much. It really is so wild. And other times, I truly wonder if I'll ever make it a lifetime of being a mom, because the emotions are just so strong! All of them. Every happy is happier, every worry is bigger. Some nights, I lie awake and just say thank you. Thank you, Lord. Other nights I fall asleep pleading for Him to send His angels to stand guard over him, over both of our boys, to protect their heads and their hearts, to keep them from harm, and to give Tim and I every single ounce of anything and everything we will ever need to to ensure their happiness, their healthiness, and their knowledge of truth and love over religion.
A few weeks ago, I had the privelege of standing by my friend, Emily, when she was married. While it was so nice to spend some time with girls, get dressed up, put on a pair of heels and feel glamorous for a few hours, the time I was away from Judah, I felt a little lost, a little lonely. He was in his daddy's good hands, and I was not worried for the two of them, as Tim is nothing short of super dad! But, when they were able to meet me and I took my boy in my arms, all was well in the world. It was kind of like, without him, my purpose was questionable, but with him, there is no question. I think that was the first time I realized how much had changed. Changed for the better, of course.
You would think that by adding another person to love, there might would be less to go around, but that couldn't be further from the truth. After having Judah, I find myself loving my husband more, loving Landon more....because of who they are, because of who we are as a family, because Tim is absolutely the best dad in the world to our boys and because Landon amazes me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. by the way he so selflessly cares for and loves Judah, at only 6 years old!! My parents...my in laws....my brothers and sister....my friends........ it's like you see everyone in a whole different light by the way they love your child. As if I couldn't love them any more.
My mom....you know, you think you are close to someone.... but now, at the risk of sounding cheesy, it feels like a big, bold lightening bolts connects our hearts. There is this crazy, unexplainble connection. She has always known things without having to be told, she knows an outcome before it happens, she can read every thought, every facial expression I've ever had, and understand me like no one else. But I guess maybe the difference is that now I can kind of understand her, too. Not to mention, I appreciate her now more than ever, because sometimes, it's just plain hard, and I can't imagine how she ever persisted the way that she did, day in, day out, support, no support, money, no money, to give us the very best life that she could. I have the most selfless mother in the world and I am what I am because of her.
And dad. I get it now... why he woke up all during the night to make sure we were still breathing, why he was constantly looking around and checking, to keep things safe, why he worked long, long hours, and long, long nights, even away from us at times, so he could know without a doubt we were taken care of, why he melted down at every single prom I went to, and that piercing look of  pure admiration I still get from time to time, speechless, but saying everything he ever needed to say.
I had my own first melt down recently, going through Judah's clothes, putting them out for a yard sale. I remembered every first mini milestone that took place in each little piece of clothing. It seemed so silly, but so real to me....tears over the gown he wore for his picture in the hospital...the outfit he wore on our first day without daddy when mommy cried all. day. long. ....his first shots....Christmas, Valentine's Day, and the overalls I waited so long to put on him that he outgrew before I noticed....
Day after day I take in those beautiful blue eyes and try my very best to soak up every single moment and hide them away somewhere in my heart and pray to the only one holy that I never, ever, forget a single one.
It has been quite a journey, and I simply cannot wait, not just for "the future," but for what the very next minute of every next day has in store with my son- my sons- and my husband. There is no fairytale that compares to this life, and I might as well have never known happy until now.

Dear Judah...

My sweet baby Judah,
Mommy is 34 weeks pregnant today. That means daddy and I are 6 weeks (or less) from seeing you face to face. We can't wait! You are growing, and moving, SO much! Mommy's belly is stretched to the max- or so it feels that way! I won't complain though. My pregnancy with you has really been great! I can honestly say I have loved growing you in my belly! Sometimes I get indigestion and that is sort of painful, but bearable. And, my belly is starting to be a lot to handle now, which your dad thinks is pretty funny! ;) But, everything has gone so smoothly and I couldn't be more thankful. Your daddy and I love to lay in bed at night and watch you roll around and stick out your little feet and knees. We have a few more things to get you before you can come home, like your car seat, stroller, etc. But, your room has furniture, curtains, bedding and lots and lots of clothes! I hope you will really love your room! We tried to sell our house before you got here, but that didn't happen. So, we have settled in and are getting everything just perfect for your arrival!
We have had 2 showers for you already. One was given by your "aunt" Josie and your mimi. The other was from mommy's friends at work at Families, Inc. Speaking of work, mommy took a really big test today. You were there the whole time, kicking and moving. As I was taking the test, I was thinking that I wanted to make you proud. I hope that you will be proud of your mommy :) And guess what! I passed! Now, mommy is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. I wanted to get that out of the way because it will allow me to have more time with you after I go back to work. We are also having a shower at daddy's work in a couple of weeks! And last, but definitely not least, we are having a shower at Embassy. That's our church. You are going to love Embassy. There is no other place like it! The people there are our family. Your dad and I often joke that if anything ever happened to our church, we would probably just stay home! We laugh about it, but it is probably true.
Dad and I have an anniversary coming up on Tuesday! We will be celebrating 2 years! Two of the very best years of my life! Being married to your daddy is a lot of fun! He is an incredible man and I hope you grow up to be just like him! Minus the addiction to WWE of course ;)
It would also not hurt my feelings if you grew up to be like your big brother, Landon! He is so excited to meet you! I wish that I could capture every hug, smile and word he shares with you. He always has something to tell you and loves to give you kisses on my belly! Landon is always talking about the things you and him will do together and how he will protect you. He is so willing to share any and everything with you. He is amazing! He has already invited you to share "snuggle time" with him and daddy. And, he thinks it's pretty funny that I will be outnumbered by all of you boys! :)
No matter who or what you turn out to be, I know that you will be something incredible! There are a lot of things that have already confirmed your special place in this world, even from your conception. I feel very proud and very humbled to be your mommy, and that's nothing that I take lightly. My prayer from the beginning has been that somehow I would be enough for you, even through my imperfections. But in reality, I know that you are the Lord's, and that is more than enough. You are already playing such an important role in our family in ways you may not ever know. But, we are thankful to the Lord for you and for your perfect timing.
It is very strange to stand in your room, look in your crib and know that you will be lying there so soon. I have to admit, son, it is a little nerve wracking. Am I really going to be responsible for this tiny little human being? But when I think about you, I am reminded of your daddy's promises to me on our wedding day. He said that he would not be perfect and he wouldn't do everything right, but that he would love me, and he would love me hard. He has surpassed that promise, and I hope I can do the same for you. I can't promise perfection, but I can promise that you will be loved so hard, and so unconditionally, and that I will do everything in my power to make sure you are happy and healthy. And I know your dad will do the same. I hate to brag, but your dad and I make a pretty good team! ;)
We have some last minute things to do in these next few weeks, like buying the rest of the necessities, perfecting your room, calling your pediatrician, packing our bags for the hospital, and mostly, anxiously awaiting your arrival. There are a lot of folks out here that can't wait to meet you! We will see you soon sweet baby!
Love, Mommy

Ready or Not!

When I opened up this computer, there, on the screen I saw our family picture from last year, November 6th, which was Tim's and my one year anniversary. I saw a happy, little family of three that had no idea they would be a family of four in a short year's time. My how things change. And, my how things are about to change!
We went to our 28 week (27 wks, 3 days) appointment today. First I had to do the glucose test, which I was uncertain about. But, it wasn't that bad in my opinion. It was a small bottle of orange stuff that tasted like non-carbonated orange soda with a little extra kick that kind of made my throat feel funny. But it wasn't a big deal at all. We will know the results from that test some time this week. While we waited we got to look at an ultrasound and Mr. Judah was so busy we could hardly make out any of his cute, little body parts. We did see a foot, a 5 cm foot. Then, we got to switch to the 3D ultra sound. That was so incredible, but he was so uncooperative lol. He FINALLY showed us a side view of his face, but would never completely move his chunky little arms out of the way! So sweet though.
We learned that our [not so] little guy is already head down, and weighing in at a whopping 3 pounds! YES, that makes this new momma a little nervous. Our doctor says he is 78 out of 127 weight-wise, so yeah, a little bigger than average. I had really been thinking I wasn't doing that bad...you know, with food and stuff. I know I could always make some better choices, but I felt like I was doing pretty decent. Apparently not. Anyhow, I just need to make some better choices about what I eat, which probably means less cookie dough pop tarts. Bummer. But, I just want him to be so healthy and happy and perfect! This whole pregnancy my prayer has been that some way, some how, my body would be enough to help him grow perfectly and that it wouldn't let him down in any way, and that continues to be my prayer.
However, I have a feeling that this little man won't see December on that side of the womb! I expect him at the end of November. We'll see. Doctor says we'll look again at 34 weeks and we might "have to talk about some things." I assume that means "talk about" induction, taking him early, something of the sort. I would've expected that to worry me, but it didn't. It kind of gave me peace in the sense that maybe it will help me know what to do, regarding natural, epidural, induction, no induction, etc. I have been praying for some guidance and wisdom about the best choice for us. But, hearing that today reminded me that it doens't necessarily matter what I plan for, but that I will know the best choice to make when the time comes to make it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it sort of relieved some pressure off my shoulders in a way. I have really been considering taking a birthworks class, and I still want to do that, but I don't know if we will get to. Driving to Little Rock on a week night for 8 weeks would be difficult.
Also, while we were waiting to do the blood work, we went and pre-registered at the hospital. That's where we got to waste time and energy filling out all these papers about our insurance that is not paying a single penny for this pregnancy or delivery. Have I mentioned that I HATE INSURANCE !!!!! We would be better off without it since we basically pay for everything ourselves and pay $400/month on top of that. Thanks Obama. I can't stand you. There you go....that's for anyone who ever wondered about my political stance (for numerous other reasons).
Afterwards we went back over to do the blood work and as I sat there getting my blood drawn I started to imagine myself going into the hospital to prepare for delivery. For a while after that I had a sense of fear and being overwhelmed. All of the sudden, everything got really real.  I started to think about things I have not thought about up to this point. "What if I am scared out of my mind?" " Can I do it?" "This baby is coming really soon and there is no turning back.....does that make me a bad mom?  ...Of course not. I don't want to turn back. But, I have never been a mom and now I will never not be a mom." ...... "You. are. nuts." ..... "Shouldn't I be excited?" "Why am I so worried?" .... "Life will never be the same. .... that's a good thing. that's a GREAT thing!....that is a scary thing." And that was my conclusion. That this is scary, and it is also very great. And, it is okay that it is scary and great at the same time.  I shared some of these thoughts with my husband afterwards, and told him I sometimes feel like I am 17 years old and not sure how I could be a mom. He was pretty good about listening. Turns out he has some fears of his own, but he seems pretty confident in me. in us. And I think I can rest in that, too.
We sent Judah's pictures to my parents, Papa Gg and MiMi, and Tim's mom, Ganny, and Aunt Velda stopped by tonight to get a peek, too. I love watching all of their excitement about baby boy. They are going to be the best grandparents ever in the world! They already are! First to Landon and now to Judah. I also sent pictures to uncle Josh and Aunt Jenara, who are equally as proud! We are so lucky to have the family we have. SO lucky.
Our house still hasn't sold, but I have decided that it's Okay. We are thankful to have a house at all, and to have an empty bedroom that will work just perfectly for our son. .... our SON??? OUR SON! ... wow...that is weird. and also very cool! :) That is the second time that's happened to me today. When I filled out insurance papers at the hospital, I wrote that my relationship to Judah was "mother." Wow. It is just so unreal! ................ Anyway...the house...... I am okay here. I'm at the point now where I'm just ready to get his furniture in and make everything neat and cozy so we can be ready for him. Well, we are ready for him, but we are not ready for him.
Our first baby shower is on October 13th! That will be a big weekend for us! Josh will be home! :) We will have our shower Saturday. And Sunday we will do our maternity pictures with none other than Chris and Nancy with Christopher Nolan Photography! We couldn't be more excited about that! They have captured our most important moments up to this point and have been so great to have on the journey that we didn't even want to consider anyone else!

Well, here's to the past 28 weeks and here's to the next 12! We'll be ready for you, son! Mommy & Daddy love you! :)

Ramble, Ramble

Wow! I have gone a whole month this time. But, I have made a vow to myself to not feel "pressured" to blog. Pretty much, if I don't feel like it, I don't do it. LOL! I don't have that choice with many other things in my life, so I guess that's me exercising some power!
We are 24 weeks and 3 days, today. Our house hasn't sold yet. And, we have picked out Judah's furniture!
I guess that about sums it up, eh? I am feeling pretty good these days for the most part. I haven't been sick in a long time and my meds seem to be controlling the acid reflux. However, I certainly feel things stretching and moving about....if you know what I mean. And, I have self-diagnosed myself (with the help of Google) with Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction. Sounds fun huh! Pretty much, my pubic bones are separating already because of the hormone, relaxin. I was going to call my doctor about the pain, but I had no idea how to even describe what was going on without being completely and totally embarassed out of my mind. Thank the Lord for Google. My husband is the king of Google diagnoses. He gets a new one every day. I guess thanks to this "SPD," I have lost my rights to making fun of him for it. Well, maybe not. ;) It's ok though. He is [mostly] a good sport! Really, I have a super incredible husband who loves me unconditionally and keeps me balanced all at the same time. I don't have a husband who tells me what I want to hear. I have a husband who ventures into the land of confrontation to help me stay balanced and be the best I can be. He's not concerned with making me feel good (well, he is, but you know what I mean). He is concerned with being the leader of our lives and our marriage and helping me to make sure my heart is pure in the sight of the Lord...at the risk of sounding super cheesy and hyper-religious. Anyhow, that comes from a place that I don't care to discuss, but would just like everyone reading this blog to know how thankful I am for Tim, and especially for his heart. He is truly an amazing man and does such an incredible job at being the head of our home. Don't be fooled though. He's not perfect. That's why WWE is on our TV screen right now. YUCK! ;) 
I have had a few emotional bouts lately, very strange ones. There was one week when I felt like if someone pricked me with a pin, there was a very good chance that I would explode. I didn't really know what explode would mean, or what it would look like, and believe me, I thought about it. But, I felt like I couldn't tolerate anyone or anything at all! I haven't ever felt that way before. It felt pretty gross. I attributed it to pregnancy, and situations, of course. (This happened to be the week after my brother moved to Tennessee....AND....my parents were gone to Florida.) Brother and parents in a different state + pregnancy hormones = unknown explosion that I hope niether I, nor you, ever see in our lifetimes.
Since we brought up the ol' move to TN, we might as well just put it out there. That was definitely the reason I didn't blog at the beginning of the month....because I didn't want to throw up all my emotions on y'all. I will admit, the drive home after moving Josh to TN, and a few times that first week were really hard. But, I truly believe God gives us grace for the place, and this was just another example. I have done much better with this whole move thing than I expected, but it is very hard to be upset when your favorite big brother in the whole world is calling, basically every day, with something else that's happened that is so perfect that it's ridiculous. There are so many things I could tell you guys about that have lined up so perfectly. There's just no mistaking that he is exactly where he is supposed to be for this season. It really is nuts! Anyway.... He is doing great and loving Knoxville! Annnnnd.....he will be home for a 3 days visit this weekend!!! Yaaaayyyy!!!!  He is probably not going to believe how round I am  Judah is.
I was thinking yesterday about how much our relationship has changed and how thankful I am for it. Josh is really my best friend! We haven't always been this close. In fact, we hated each other for a while. Mom would alwaaaays say "You better be nice. One day you're going to need each other!" We didn't believe her, but now I do. It was him that was there for me during the most difficult time of my life. When I was confused, heartbroken and felt like I was going crazy, literally, because everything I knew was changing and my whole world was turned upside down! He was just a phone call away, and I swear, was the one who kept me sane. He would always say "No, you're not [going crazy]. You're in a very good place!" And on the other side of that place, I saw that he was right, but it was the trust I had in him that helped me survive until then. Then, we lived together for a year, that was absolutely one of the best things ever! It was truly a time of healing for both of us. It was also a time for late night drinks and half price appetizers at Applebee's all throughout Christmas break!!!! SCORE!!! :) You know those times that are so awful that even your closest friends have trouble with..... it hurts them to see you hurting, so they tend to shy away....p.s. I have done that, myself.....but during those times for me, he didn't shy away. Right there in the middle of my tears and my brokenness, was him. Usually with no need for words, just being there. He taught me what it meant to be content with only Jesus when everything else was chaos. He's the type that understands me without asking a single question and can offer the utmost reassurance with just a smile or a scratch on the back. He's also the one who woke up and went to Walgreen's at 3 am to get me pain meds. And, the one who brought me flowers just to let me know he appreciated me. And, I think he was more excited than even Tim and I on our wedding day!!! ....... Well, forgive me while I've gone all nostalgic on y'all! LOL! But.... I am pretty sentimental, and definitely emotional right now lol....but Josh's house is on the market and he most likely never live in that house again. To me, him moving out of the house was kind of like the end to a season that was what I considered to be the most crucial season of my life, and not to mention one of the greatest! Now, he will always be so important and so much a part of my life. No question about that. But, maybe you can see why the dreaded move was so dreaded! However, with ends comes new beginnings and I could not be more excited about his new beginning! There. Maybe I can move on with myself now. LOL.
Let's talk about Judah!! He is moving like CRAZY!!! And, my oh my, it is the most incredible feeling ever!! I usually lay on my back for a few minutes before I turn to my side to go to sleep, and that is when little man gets busy in there! His movements can't really be felt from the outside yet, but Tim and I both saw him  move big time Friday night! It was awesome! I really can't wait to meet the little guy. Niether can Landon! He is so stinking excited!! He has become my health police. Everything I eat, he says "Is that healthy for baby?" Too cute, huh! He loves his little brother already!!
Tim and I had a nice, long, conversation tonight about delivery anxieties...you know....natural, being induced, c-section??????????????????? That is how I feel. I have been reading and talking to a few people I trust, but this is such a touchy subject. Some folks are so concerned with pushing their beliefs on you that you can't even separate out their biased opinions from what is logical. I have thought about opening up the discussion on facebook just to get some ideas and reasons why people believe what they do. But, people can't just leave it at that. So, I will probably avoid that can of worms and continue talking with people around me and praying for the best decisions for Judah and me.
This post has sort of been more like a ramble than a pregnancy update. Maybe I will do better next time around, but no promises! :)