FIVE.

A few days after we brought home Jett, I was rushing around trying to get him situated so that I could share snuggle time with Judah before he went to bed. That’s something we’ve always done, and it was really important to me that nothing changed for him when Jett was born. I mean, I knew things would change, but I wanted it to only be the addition of good things about being a big brother. I never wanted him to feel left out or less important. Like any parent, I had those odd thoughts and feelings about how things would be when we added another baby. I worried that I wouldn’t be enough to be a good mom to all three, that I couldn’t get everyone where they needed to be when they needed to be there, worried that someone would feel left out, etc. I also wondered how I’d keep up with the house, and for the love of all things, the laundry for FIVE people! And even though I didn’t have an answer for these things, I had given them thought. I was somewhat prepared just by having it on my mind and by talking with others about it.
What I was not prepared for, was the heart break I’d feel when I finally came around that corner to snuggle with the first baby I’d brought home nearly five years ago, only to find him layed out on the couch...already asleep. He looked 6 feet tall stretched out there. I’d missed him. Was this the new normal? And will someone please tell me where my baby went? I swear I felt the weight of a ton of bricks on my chest, and I felt like my heart would break in half. Who’s been hiding this secret from me? Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby was half way grown? I can’t explain how it felt in that instant to realize how big he was, and to recognize that I’d never noticed until then. I think I lost my mind for about two days. My husband thinks I did too.
Even though that was hard, watching him become a big brother has been totally worth it! Just when I think I couldn’t be any more proud of him, I get to watch his high maintenance, sassy, my way or the highway little self, melt into the most caring, selfless, protective, proud new big brother you ever did see. He has totally surprised me. I knew he would be crazy about Jett, but I didn’t know how crazy! When Judah goes to school, Jett gets all the lovin’ and I get instructed to take pictures of him smiling during the day. Every day, and I mean every day, Judah asks “Mom? How’s Jett doing? Is he eating good for me?”
Being a big brother is half of who he is, and being a little brother is the other half! He always has adored Landon, and I know he always will. Those two boys truly have something special. At breakfast this morning, Judah was still talking about how “Bubba whopped that piñata so bad!” at his minion birthday party yesterday. I wondered aloud to Tim how that must’ve looked in Judahs eyes when his big brother swung the bat and busted that thing! They still take baths together. They want to sleep together every night. They play basketball together, legos, and they wrestle all. the. time.  To Judah, no one compares to Landon! He’s his shadow when he’s home, and Lord help us all when he’s gone.
My Judah Bear is one of a kind. There is not another soul out there like his! He is wild and wonderful, and has the biggest personality of anyone, kids and adults, that I’ve ever known! He tells the best stories about hunting, “killing deers and eating their ribs” lol and finding snakes, and “when I was in college,” though “it was just a dream!” He never meets a stranger, and you never have to wonder what he’s thinking because he will always tell you! Judah is my funny guy and we love telling knock knock jokes at dinner! Sometimes they even make sense! When I tuck him in at night, he likes me to do “crazy kisses,” where I gum his cheeks to pieces while he hollers and pretends to try and escape, while saying “Mom, keep doing it!” We read books. He helps me cook dinner, and has to taste everything!
He is such a feeler, and experiences every single emotion in a huge way! He challenges me every single day in good ways, and hard ways too (of course, has nothing to do with us both being so hard headed!) but I would not change a single thing about him! He gives the best hugs and kisses and makes my heart flutter every time he says “Mom. I love you. But sometimes you stink!” Thanks, Febreeze. But, I’ll take it.
When I carried him, I prayed that my body would somehow be enough to help him grow strong and healthy, and that I could be everything he needed me to be. To this day, my prayer is the same, that through God’s infinite grace and mercy, I can be the Mom he needs, to help him be happy and healthy, and to reach his fullest potential, to foster those things in his heart, ordained by the Creator, to be who and what He is meant to be.
Over the past year, I’ve kept a note in my phone of things he’s done and said that I never want to forget! There’s nothing like having a second baby to make you realize how easily and quickly those unforgettables, get forgotten. So, today, while I’m celebrating my sweet boy turning FIVE Years old, I hope you guys can enjoy some of these unforgettables with me!!

1/22 Judah: "can you pick a boy?" "I don't get to pick! Jesus picks!" "Hey Jesus! Can you pick a boy?" 

"I don't want to go to school because he's gonna' miss me!" 

1/27 my baby can sleep with me and snuggle!

2/7/17 Judah (after a bad storm) "that was the angels going bowling and playing angry birds!" 

"Mom, I love you! I'm so glad you're my baby!" 

2/26 When it was raining earlier Judah said the angels were crying because Jesus went to Larry's pizza and they missed him

3/25 "I love your kisses the best, momma!" 

4/12/17 night prayer: "Jesus name, help the angry birds get the pigs. Father, we love you and we love gettin' those pigs. Jesus name, amen." 

4/13 after his ballgame to one of his teammates "holler if you need anything!"

5/6 after going to babies r us ... "mom, after we wake up can we go to the baby store? It was awesome!" 

5/11 "momma, I love you! But sometimes you stink!" 

5/12 after a T-ball game "we couldn't have done it without you mom!" 

6/8 "I like you mom! You're the best mom I ever seen!" 

6/15 Judah felt Jett move! He also had a dream last night that Landon was holding Jett and then gave him to him to hold. 

7/31 Judah in the morning. "I'm checking to see if my pee pee is big, because if it goes way over here, it's humongous!" 

8/17 Judah brought me a flower. I said thank you so much!! He said you're welcome princess peach! 

9/9/17 Judah: "I think there's some people in my booty shooting a firework! That's why I pooted!" 

9/13/17 Judah: First, we get my hair cut! Then, we save the world! Deal? And then, we get bubby, second!" 

9/14/17 our conversation this morning.

Judah: mom, why do people kiss?

Me: just to show someone they love them!

Judah: well, I wanna kiss Jaycee!

Me: aww! You love jaycee? 

Judah: yeah! 

Me: well at least she's a sweet girl! 

Landon: and she's sassy!

Judah: oh yeah! 

9/18/17 "you know what the best part about you, mom? Is that you're pretty!"

9/24/17 Judah- mom you don't smell like poop. You smell like a flower!

10/2/17 Judah put a ring on my finger "this is true love, is for you momma!" 

10/17/17 Judah at Landon’s parent teacher conference “that’s Jett Jett, sometimes he eats milk out of my mom’s boobies!” 

11/2/17  

Judah what do you want for Christmas? 

A girl dog, a kitty cat, a frog, Pine cones and my own house, food with a kitchen, and I want a mario race track with mario in it and I want a mario playset and I want a mario City world and I want bowser with Luigi and Yoshi and I want my own dishes and that’s all I want for Christmas! And I want another Batman car and the Robin car is the one I want, and a new bicycle and another shark. And that’s about all I want. Can you write that on my list? And I want some marshmallows, some real ones from Santa clause and I want my own Christmas tree in my room.

11/17 “I love you Mom! The best part I like about staying with you, is being with you!” 

11/22 “you look beautiful Mom! Have a good date!” (Before going on a date with Tim) 

12/2 going to look for Christmas decorations for his tree

Me: “let’s try the dollar general first, because they might have more Christmas stuff than the Family Dollar”

Judah “well dang bro! Let’s do it!” 

While in DG, he got some flowers and said “I was trying to marry you, Mom” 

12/9 “Jett can have this (his lion king lovey that landon picked out for him before he was born). Because I’m a big brother now and this is a little brother thing. So he can have it. It’s his now.” 

And my most favorite of all, on 12/3, Jett hadn’t slept much that day, he was sort of unsettled, like maybe his stomach hurt. He was laying on the boppy, fussing, and having a hard time going to sleep. Judah came over and prayed for him “...let Jett’s belly not hurt. In Jesus’ name.” and he went to sleep instantly, and slept so well for 1-2 hours. When we pointed out to Judah that Jett settled and slept after he prayed for him, he said Jesus told him to pray for Jett. 

Jeremiah 1:5 says “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.” We have known for quite some time that the Lord has a great adventure and plan for our little guy, but it sure is fun watching it play out! We are just thankful we get to go along for the ride! 
There’s no amount of words (even though I’ve sure given it a run on this post lol) that could say how much joy Judah has given his dad and me, or how much we love our boy! He will FOREVER be my Judah Bear!

We named him “Judah” for a reason, and we will ALWAYS “give praise for the one who is like God.”

Seek ye first

25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink;  what to put on the weekly menu, grocery shopping, my kids eating drive through again and having too much sugar... nor about your body...gotta do something about this baby weight, who has time for the gym, what you will put on, the laundry is piled up again, One more dry cycle while I finish cleaning up...Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ Or what if dinner isn’t gourmet and the clothes don’t get folded? And the floor isn’t swept? And I wore yoga pants again today. 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But SEEK FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. 

About a year ago, I was struggling with these things. Not like the every day struggle, but STRUG-GL-ING! All the “stuff,” the “to do” lists, chores etc were soooo heavy. It was a Saturday, and I was sweeping my kitchen. I was mad. Really mad. Tim was outside doing yard work, and we’d planned for some friends to come over that night, which is something we both wanted, planned for and enjoy! However, I found myself so irritated that I was having to clean... it made me so grouchy with my husband, my kids, and I realized that all of these things I was doing, that I thought made me a good wife and Mom were making me a BAD wife and Mom! But it’s not like you can just stop. I mean, things have to be done so that you can function- clean clothes, food to eat... 

When I layed down that night, I sobbed. I told the Lord I was tired. I asked Him to forgive me, because my heart and soul is my family, but I was letting them down. I told Him I didn’t have the answer, but I knew this wasn’t how it’s supposed to be, and that I needed help. I began asking Him to help me see what was important and what wasn’t (as a mom, you know it can truly be difficult to decipher what’s necessary and what isn’t because it all feels like necessities!). One of the first things he showed me was the Christmas card- yes, I know it sounds silly, but it wasn’t necessary. No, Christmas cards aren’t bad, and it was soemthing I WANTED to do, but it wasn’t a necessity, so I let it go. And it bothered me, that after 6 years it would be our first without a Christmas card. But as I began to listen and He directed me, and from that day on, the load was lighter. He told me He was going to take it from me, and He did. Somehow, things still got done, but it wasn’t heavy like it had been. And even a year later, though I still need reminders, I said I never wanted to go back to “that” place, and by His Grace, I haven’t. There wasn’t anything I had to do, except be vulnerable to Him about where I was, and be willing to let go so He could be in control again. As long as I’m busy about trying to do it on my own, His hands are tied. To me, this is what it means to “give it to God.” I used to be really bothered by that statement, because it seemed so vague and like “how exactly does one go about that?” But I believe it all comes down to making a choice in your heart, to acknowledge you need Him and are willing to obey.

I wrote these notes down several Sundays ago. When life becomes a pressure and not a pleasure, you've stepped out of grace. 

THERE IS NOTHING YOU DO, except ALLOW IT!!! 

You need to be still. If you're busy trying to do it on your own, then what you get is your own result. You have to rest and let Him work on your behalf.

In he past few days, the Lord has been dealing with my heart about “seeking first the kingdom of God,” and when I went to look at that verse, I read the whole chapter, which lead me back here and reminded me of this moment that truly changed me. 

And so now, being in a different place, with different concerns, worries, etc He’s nudgjng me, and maybe some of you, to seek Him, chase Him, and the other things will fall in line.
And this year, we get to do a Christmas card again. :)

Gas station, Crock pot, mall Santa, movie theatre: what dreams are made of!

Jett clocked out on me early tonight, so I really should try to get a head start on sleep, but I couldn’t close my eyes without documenting this day, first.
No lunch boxes to pack, no alarm clocks to set (though, I did have to wrangle three sleeping boys, one in a gown, two in elf pajamas, to the gas station at 7:15 to rescue my hubs with a dead battery in his truck...more on that later), and no schools to go to... we’re on Thanksgiving break! I haven’t been able to say that in seven years! I couldn’t be more thankful for the timing of this maternity leave. I am  blessed with a flexible job, still every time a school break rolls around, I wish more than anything that I could forego making [last minute- because that’s how I roll] childcare arrangements and be home with my kiddos! This week, I get to do that. Yesterday was for staying home and housework, tomorrow is for cooking and dating my husband. Today was for unhealthy eating, movies and Santa. Judah has been asking me for a week to make “gravy,” which could only mean one thing in our house- chocolate gravy. So, after we rescued Dad from the gas station, we had chocolate gravy, on a Tuesday morning! And even more than the gravy, the boys were just excited to see Dad! Dad and gravy. Two great things we normally don’t see in the mornings.
I put some beef stew in the crock pot for dinner. Then I scrolled through Facebook while I nursed the baby. There were a lot of stories of people who needed prayers: loved ones lost, uncertainties, and a baby who was getting a new heart. I stopped the boys for a minute and we prayed for this family, as well as the family who donated the heart. Not only do I believe their prayers were powerful, but they were also a blessing to me. Landon prayed “God we know this heart is a good one, and this little boy will grow up to be a great boy and a great man!” And Judah, “Jesus, let that boy get a new heart. In Jesus name.” Thankful. The Lord heard those prayers. Another thing I, unfortunately, don’t normally do on a regular ol’ Tuesday- take time to pray with my kids and teach them to bless someone else.
I ordered the boys super cute Christmas outfits, which didn’t come in before I scheduled the Santa visit (PSA: You can go online to reserve a time slot with Santa at McCain mall and skip the line! Do it. It’s great!), but they were so handsome anyway!! We ate lunch at Chick fil a, then Mimi joined us to go see Santa! Confession: I prayed about how this would go. “Lord, I know it’s silly. It’s Santa. But please, please, let this thing go well.” It did. My boys were adorable. Jett didn’t cry. He didn’t do much of anything haha! Judah didn’t strike any crazy poses or call Santa a poot nanny. And Landon, even though he’s too cool for Santa, sat there and smiled, and didn’t even complain that I made him wear jeans. We got a perfect Santa picture.
We made it on time to the movie. And Jett slept nearly the whole time, never made much of a peep. We watched “The Star” and it did not disappoint.
Sometimes, a lot of times, things don’t go as planned, but sometimes they do. And today was one of those days (save the truck battery lol).
Being a mom to 3 isn’t near as chaotic as I thought it would be. However, Jett is the easiest, most content baby. I guess he didn’t have much of a choice, but to fall in line! Plus, Landon is such a big help! I was just saying today how much I appreciate him, and that it’s actually easier to have all 3, than just the two little boys, because Landon helps me so much, and is glad to do it! Don’t get me wrong, there are times when it’s rough- but more than that, it’s just good! Being Mom/wanny to these three boys fills my heart to overflowing.
Saving my husband from the gas station. Making chocolate gravy. Filling the crock pot. Praying with my kids. Chick fil a. Santa. Mimi. Movie theatre.
There’s nowhere else I would’ve rather been today.

Resurrecting the blog

It has been nearly 5 years since my last post! Isn’t that craaazy? I️ guess I sort of got busy with a baby...then a toddler....and before I️ knew it, I had a little boy... annnd now a baby again! 😂 A few weeks ago Mom and Dad cleaned out some closets and the shop and found all kinds of stuff! A lot of it was my junk treasures. One thing Mom found was an old journal entry from when she and Dad were first dating. I️ got to read it and it stuck in my heart and mind for weeksI️ was so glad I️ had the chance to see that glimpse of my 18 year old Mom and identify with that part of her heart.  I️  was so thankful to her teenage self, that she took the time to write it down.  Then, just a few days later time hop showed me one of my entries from just before Judah was born, and it was amazing to compare where I was then to where I am now. It’s not that I have forgotten, in general, but the specifics, you forget.  And being a new Mom  again, I have been fortunate enough to spend the last eight weeks at home with my baby boy. Not a lot of huge monumental events have taken place, that I️ think would  stand the test of time in my memory, but at the same time there is so much going on.  So much that I don’t want to forget.  We’ve expanded our family from 4 to 5, and I’m watching Judah become a big brother, watching Landon, even more so, settle into his oldest brother role. I’m seeing them holding and loving  Jett,  saying sweet things to him, seeing them be even more independent...During most of the day, I am holding or nursing him, doing laundry, putting dinner on, all sorts of things around the house that seem mundane. But in 30 years when my kids are looking back at something that I’ve written, or I’m having the chance to look back at something written, I want them to see, and me to remember, who I am right now. I️ want them to know this 31 year old wife, and Mom to 3 boys. I️ want them to know I️ tried so hard to be the best I️ could be for them, that even though mornings are hard and they see the worst of me, that I️ always had the best of them in mind. I️ want them to know that I️ thought of them in even the smallest things, when I️ pull candy wrappers and rocks out of their pockets to do laundry, or think of their favorite snacks when I️ make the grocery list (to order online now, of course ha!). I️ want Jett to know how much I’m treasuring this priceless time with him,  and even to know that he was sleeping under my arm as I️ type this, in the little elephant gown I️ bought him to wear home from the hospital (because it actually fits him now!), with his arm in front of his face like he always does. The little things. I️ want to remember the little things. Because they mean the most, and time is fleeting.
So, with those things in mind, and also being able to appreciate that past posts let me see how far we’ve come, and how faithful the Lord has been,  it was on my heart to start writing in this blog again, so here I️ am. Me, and all my boys!